


Hold me Love

by Bright_Moon_Beam



Category: GOT7
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Beach Holidays, Best Friends, Boys In Love, Bucket List, Cheesy, Coming of Age, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cute, Denial of Feelings, Depressing, Drama & Romance, Drinking, Healthy Relationships, Heart-to-Heart, Heartache, Heartbeats, Heartbreak, Internal Conflict, Kissing, Late night talks, M/M, Mutual Pining, Partying, Road Trips, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Supportive Relationship, Sweet, Tragedy, True Love, breakdown - Freeform, good things never end well, jinson, secret sharing, shameless make out sessions, sweet baby boys, they are so in love they don't even know how to handle it, they make each other so happy, two boys in love, unsupportive parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-07-12 01:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15984296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bright_Moon_Beam/pseuds/Bright_Moon_Beam
Summary: Jinyoung considered himself a reasonable and logical man. So he had no idea why he was seriously considering kissing a random guy he just met on campus because he asked nicely and had a pretty smile.OrJinyoung is a struggling college student. He doesn't know where he is going and the stress and endless questions are consuming him. He feels powerless against it until he meets the charismatic Jackson Wang completely by chance. Jackson, who is unlike anyone else he knows, appears like his saving grace and teaches him more about life than he had ever learned from any lecture.~Now posted on my wattpad @oceansandwaves





	1. Chapter 1

His coffee was bitter. It was scalding and dark just the way he liked it, but it was so bitter he couldn’t really enjoy it. The batch must have been bad, yet he kept drinking it burning his tongue without much thought anyway.

His professor had recommended a change of scenery: Multiple outside variables could affect your writing, and if you utilized this to your advantage rather than let it become a disadvantage you could improve your writing by doing the simplest of things.

His professor was a horrible cynical old man whose tie was always crooked, and Jinyoung rarely listened to a word he said, but after staring at his laptop vacantly for over an hour he packed it into a bag and marched toward the only coffee shop on campus. He was at a point where he willing to try almost anything to get something done on his paper. 

So far the change of location had done absolutely nothing to aid his creative flow, and he had just been staring without purpose at his blank document the blinking cursor taunting him with each pulse.

Every writer had writers' block. Even the most famous of writers and those who value it above all other forms of art sometimes come to a point where writing a single word seemed impossible.

That was some more crap his professor had spouted off that he had somehow retained, and he knew why he said it. It was supposed to be comforting to know that you are not alone and your problems are not exclusive to you. 

Jinyoung supposed it would be comforting if that was his only problem. If he simply couldn’t start writing his paper hearing that would probably make him feel considerably better, but that wasn't his issue. His issue was that he didn't know what his issue was. 

His writers' block extended to every facet of his life. No part of his day was spared from the feeling of utter uselessness. He didn’t know what he wanted to be, he didn’t know who he wanted to be, and he didn’t know how to start his term paper on great Korean writers who had shaped Korean literature into what is today.

He closed his laptop after a while, each blink of the cursor sending his blood pressure skyrocketing higher and higher.  
He decided he needed a break.

He packed away his laptop in his bag and tossed his empty cup full of once bitter coffee into a nearby garbage can with a small sigh.

He headed back towards his dorm building loosely promising himself he would try again to at least the start the paper since the due date was steadily getting closer and closer to arriving.

When his building was finally in sight and Jinyoung could just imagine himself curled up on his bed watching hours of mindless youtube he was stopped by something completely unexpected.

“Hey!” A boy called out to him whom he had never seen before. He stood up from a bench he had been sitting on a few yards away looking right at Jinyoung with large excited eyes. 

He was grinning from ear to ear at Jinyoung. His brown hair was messily tousled making him look a lot younger than Jinyoung expected he actually was. 

“Hey!” The boy called again waving at him as if he needed any more confirmation on who he was speaking to/

Jinyoung did not wave back in no mood for the pranks and stupidity that college boys like this one often spouted off. Instead, he started walking with much more purpose towards his dorm. 

“No! Wait I need to talk to you!” The boy called out yet again. Jinyoung promptly ignored him. He didn’t look back even when he heard the slap of his sneakers on the concrete getting closer and closer to him.

“Please! I just need to ask you something.” The boy whined loudly in very accented Korean right behind him; his breathing was loud and labored. “I’ll leave you alone if you just hear me out.” 

Jinyoung groaned and stopped. The slight hitch in the other's voice being the only reason he did so. He turned around to look at the boy trying to look completely unimpressed. 

He watched the boy grin and stop taking a moment to catch his breath from the short run over before speaking.

“You really stopped thank god!”

“Do I know you?” Jinyoung asked disregarding him and scrutinizing him from head to toe to try and jog a memory of the strange foreign boy.

“No,” The boy replied quickly and bluntly still smiling. It unsettled Jinyoung and he shoved his hands down into his pockets.

“Then what do you want?” He had never even seen the boy around the campus before and he was starting to doubt he even attended this school. 

“Can I kiss you?” once again the boy was blunt, and Jinyoung choked on his own spit that he reflexively swallowed in surprise coughing harshly into his fist. 

“Are you crazy?” He asked clearing his throat taking a step back preparing to run if he had to. This made the other boy laugh loudly and shake his head as if Jinyoung was being the unreasonable one. 

“Of course not.”

“Than what is this? A prank? Is someone paying you? If Jaebum’s paying you to do this I swear he won’t live to regret it.” 

The boy shook his head seeming confused, yet his lips stayed curled up in a persistent grin.

“It’s nothing like that I swear. No one put me up to it and it’s not a prank.” He sounded so genuine that Jinyoung almost believed him. 

“Look, I still don’t know who you are or what you really want, but I have to be getting back to my dorm now so if you’ll excuse me-”

“No!” He cried out suddenly distressed. “I just want to kiss you. It doesn’t have to be on the lips or anything. I could just kiss you on the cheek or something.” He rambled on seeming flustered. “Please? Would you please just let me? Just this one time?” He pouted like a child and Jinyoung shook his head firmly more annoyed and intrigued than he had ever been in his life.

“Why? Why are you so insistent? Just go off and do whatever you were doing before.” He motioned the boy away with his hand like he was a dog.

“I just want to is all. I want to kiss you so I figured I should ask. There are so many things in life you want to do and you never do and I want to do those things. You are one of the most breathtaking people I have ever seen and I may never see you again. If you walk away now our paths may never cross again and I’ll wonder for so long why I didn’t ask you to kiss me just in case you would.”

Jinyoung could feel his cheeks turn red and he stared at the boy in front of him incredulously who stared back at him completely serious. Jinyoung had been hit on many times in his life, by many different people, but never once had he been approached like this. No one had ever been so raw and Jinyoung was at a loss for what to say.

“I know it’s kind of strange. If someone asked me I would say….well no I’d probably say yes.” The boy started laughing loudly again at himself. “Maybe that’s bad. I don't know. But if you really don’t want to its alright. I’ll get over it.”

He waved at him and started to turn to leave and Jinyoung reached forward to grab his wrist and stop him his eyes wide. 

“Wait,” Jinyoung looked into his eyes as he turned back searching for anything underhanded, any trace of malice or mockery, but he saw nothing. Only the smile that never failed to reach his eyes. Jinyoung felt like he hadn’t smiled like that since he was six. “I’ll kiss you,”  
The words fell out of his mouth rushed. He was afraid he would change his mind if he didn’t agree quickly

“Great!” The boy said enthusiastically. Not a moment was wasted and he stepped closer. Jinyoung felt overwhelmed, but he took a step forward as well letting his wrist go to cup his cheek instead. His skin was soft and warm against his hand and Jinyoung felt so nervous his stomach began to hurt. 

The boy was patient never once moving as Jinyoung worked up the nerve to get closer and closer. JInyoung eyed his lips his fingers trembling and as he felt the boys hot breath against his face he lost his momentum pressing his lips quickly against the corner of his mouth before stepping back.  
`  
He expected the boy to laugh at him or in the least be disappointed that he had backed out, but he just opened his eyes (Jinyoung hadn’t even noticed they closed) and smiled again. 

“You just made my entire today!” He proclaimed loudly. “Thank you so much.”

Jinyoung nodded speechlessly. He felt ridiculous and rightfully mortified.

“I’m Jackson by the way. Jackson Wang.” Jinyoung had forgotten that he didn't even know his name. He had almost really kissed him and he hadn’t even known his name.

“Park Jinyoung.” He replied quietly too confused to put up a fight anymore. 

“Well then, Park Jinyoung. Don’t forget me, okay?” He laughed and took a few steps backward. Jinyoung rolled his eyes and nodded. 

“I don’t think I could if I tried.” Jackson seemed satisfied with that and Jinyoung watched him turn and go to who knows where. Jinyoung was pretty sure he wasn’t a student here because there is no way he wouldn’t have noticed a boy like Jackson if he did.

Back in his dorm, he laid on his bed his eyes shut tight as he thought. Jackson was so strange. He made Jinyoung feel unsettled and uncomfortable and he had never seen someone smile as much or brightly as he did. He was still embarrassed and the idea that he ever gave into that made him wonder just what was wrong with him. Yet the prevalent thoughts in a sea of hundreds of others had been two simple questions.

Would he ever see Jackson again?

Did he ever want to see Jackson again?

He told himself he didn’t know, but the ache of loneliness in his chest was the answer he didn’t want to acknowledge.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung miraculously meets Jackson once again purely by chance. Jinyoung doesn’t know if he believes the universe is the cause, but he is thankful for a second opportunity.

“Come on, you haven’t come to a party with me in forever,” Jaebum said softly running his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair the way he knew Jinyoung liked. “Just this once, maybe it will help you with whatever is going on with you right now.”

Jinyoung sighed staring up at Jaebum chewing on his bottom lip as he contemplated his options. Jaebum was laying it on quite thick to try and convince him. He had been extra sweet to him today and the fact that Jinyoung had his head laid on his lap right now so Jaebum could play with his hair was telling in itself.

Jinyoung didn’t understand why Jaebum cared so much that he went to this particular party when he had been refusing to attend any for months, but it was obvious he did, and the longer he had his hands tangled in his hair the less Jinyoung wanted to fight it.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing hyung, but as long as I can leave whenever I want I guess it wouldn’t hurt to show up.” 

“Jinyoungie, I’m not playing a game. Parties are fun and you haven’t been having any of that lately. Instead of always assuming that I’m being selfish can’t you at least consider the idea that your best friend would be doing something for you?” 

“Don’t make me sound like such a bad guy, hyung.” Jinyoung whined sitting up even though he missed the feeling of Jaebum’s hands instantly. “And I do have fun. I’m just in a weird mood these days.” He got up off of Jaebum’s bed and walked the few steps it took to get to his side of the room so he could choose another outfit: The hoodie and sweatpants he had on now not meeting party requirements. 

“Whatever you say.” Jaebum said in a disbelieving tone of voice that really annoyed him.

“Hyung, I’m fine. Now hurry up and get ready too. The sooner we get there the sooner I can leave.” Jaebum grumbled something under his breath that Jinyoung didn’t quite hear which he chose to ignore favoring the idea of picking out a well put together outfit.

A half in hour later he was in the passenger seat of Jaebum's car with gelled hair and tight jeans wishing he never would have agreed to this in the first place.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The party was loud, it was crowded, and it smelled. The clouds of smoke filled the frat house and Jinyoung’s nose leaving him feeling disgusted and a little light-headed. The music was so loud, he could feel the bass in the floorboards, and there was barely any room to move amongst the crowd of bodys. 

Jaebum must have noticed his distaste because he linked their arms together and pulled him through the masses of people towards the kitchen.

“Jinyoung, give it a chance will you?” Jaebum pleaded letting him go as soon as they were in the slightly less crowded room leaving Jinyoung near the island as he pulled two beers out of the fridge tossing one to him carelessly. “Don’t tell me you have forgotten how to party, Park Jinyoung,”

Jaebum taunted like it was a challenge and Jinyoung immediately fell into the trap even though he knew it was exactly what Jaebum wanted.

“As if, you know i can party circles around you. I always have and I always will.” He pulled the tab off his beer bringing the can to his lips his eyes narrowed. Jaebum only laughed and opened his own.

While Jinyoung talked a big game one beer had been enough for him. He wasn’t in the mood to have a headache the next day no matter how much Jaebum teased him and after he was done he leaned against the island watching as Jaebum pulled another one out of the fridge. 

“Jaebum,” a quiet voice from behind him spoke alerting both Jinyoung and Jaebum of his presence. He was small. Shorter than him and Jaebum, but he was skinny making him look a lot longer than he really was. His hair was dyed a bright red color styled neatly and he wore a nonchalant expression as he stared at Jaebum.

Jaebum on the other hand was anything but nonchalant. Maybe to the untrained eye he would look indifferent, but after so many years glued to Jaebum's side he had learned a lot about him. His dreams, his desires, and the expression he makes when he is mentally panicking but was trying to look cool on the outside.

“Mark,” he replied giving him a nod. Jinyoung had to turn his face covering his mouth to try and stifle the laughter that was bubbling right beneath the surface. 

“I didn’t know you would be coming tonight,” 

“I told you I might.”

“That usually means no.”

Jinyoung saw Jaebum shrug out of the corner of his eye and take a step closer to Mark. He didn’t even seem to notice it either. He was absolutely whipped and while Jinyoung had never met Mark before or even heard of him (which he would have to yell at Jaebum for later) he had a hunch that Jaebum's Ill hidden feelings were returned. 

Mark didn’t say anything and neither did Jaebum the tension building quickly. Jinyoung took pity on them both clearing his throat to remind both of them that he existed.

“Why don’t you two go dance?” Both of them looked surprised to hear him speak. Mark’s expression became confused while Jaebum’s became guilty.

“Jinyoung, this is Mark. He’s from my photography class.” Jaebum explained giving him a sheepish smile. He knew Jinyoung was annoyed that he had kept Mark from him, but Jinyoung didn’t want to embarrass him yet. Not when he knew from his face how much this guy meant to him. 

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Jinyoung. Jaebum’s roommate.” Mark gave him an almost shy smile nodding.

“It’s nice to meet you too… and if you were here with Jaebum I don’t want intrude.” 

“No it’s fine. I was just about to meet another friend outside anyway. Steal him all night if you want. I see his ugly face enough.” 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum started to interject, but Jinyoung just smacked him on the shoulder giving him a look. He didn’t know a single person at this party, but Jaebum was constantly incompetent when it came to love, and Jinyoung couldn’t let him ruin this opportunity. 

“I’ll see you later okay. If you want to leave just text me.” Jinyoung nodded rolling his eyes before scooping up Jaebum’s newly opened beer off the island and taking a step back.

He had changed his mind about not drinking much. He didn’t really care if he got a headache.

“See you later and it really was nice to meet you Mark,” he flashed the boy a brilliant grin before walking off in the opposite direction fighting his way to the back door into the yard.

It wasn’t a well kept yard. No house lived in by only college lboys would be well kept inside and out, but it was nice enough and there was plenty of lawn furniture and not a lot of people. He sat down on a pool chair far away from another couple that were attached by the mouths a few chairs down.

He let out a long sigh and raised the can to his lips. He almost choked when someone spoke behind him. 

“Jinyoung, I didn’t take you for an alcoholic.”

Jinyoung coughed covering his mouth looking at Jackson with wide eyes who laughed loudly before claiming the chair right beside him.

“I’m just kidding. Unless you are actually an alcoholic. That’s horrible for your body.”

“Jackson, what are you doing here?” was all Jinyoung could manage. 

“The same thing as you probably.” Jackson answered simply pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down to cover his hands. “What are you doing here though? I didn’t take you as someone who would like parties.”

“They aren’t my favorite, but they can be alright if they are with the right people.”

“The right people?” Jackson asked looking at Jinyoung with his eyebrows furrowed. He leaned back against the chair getting comfortable. “Does this party have the right people?”

“Not really. The only people I know are you and my roomate.”

“Roommate?” Jackson asked suddenly seeming excited. “Can I meet him?” 

“He’s a little busy right now.” Jinyoung said smugly. Jaebum had better thank him later because he never would have come so far on his own. 

“I see,” Jackson said laughing enthusiastically. “Well, does that mean I have you all to myself at least?”

Jinyoung couldn’t help that his cheeks turned red. He still wasn’t used to how blunt Jackson was and he hoped that the boy’s open nature would stop affecting him soon.

“I guess so, although I never said I wanted to spend the rest of the night with you.” Jinyoung teased just be difficult. It was the only weapon he had against Jacksons unrelenting kindness.

“Well do you?” Jackson became serious so quickly. He didn’t seem angry or offended, just curious and it made Jinyoung’s mouth feel dry.

Did he?

“It would be nice to have some time to talk to you. You ran off so suddenly last time.”

“Right?” Jackson said seeming amazed. “I was so mad at myself for forgetting to ask you for your number, but the universe brought us back together for me. Doesn’t that just seem like a good sign?” 

Jinyoung laughed at the boys excitement ignoring the fluttering feeling in his stomach. 

“I don’t know if I really believe in fate, but it is pretty ironic that we both went to the same party.” it was especially weird because Jinyoung hadn’t been to a party in so long, but he left that part out. 

“I believe in it.” Jackson replied turning his head up to look up at the stars in the sky. The lights around the pool casted a shadow on his profile that made him look even more ethereal. Jinyoung leaned back and took another long sip of Jaebum’s beer needing to make himself look away. “Everything has to happen for a reason.”

“You don’t think your actions affect things? It seems impossible to me that everything is predetermined.” He sat his beer down on his thigh holding it there looking up to the sky as well.

“Of course every action has consequences, but those are just pieces of the puzzle that fate presents you with. All you can do is choose how you handle what you’re dealt. I like to think I was born with a purpose, and the way I can fulfill it is just by being the best I can be every single day.” 

Jinyoung looked away from the sky and back to Jackson his eyes widened slightly in surprise.

“That’s… very profound.”

“I guess so,” Jackson said simply. Jinyoung could hear the smile in his voice and he wished more than anything in that moment that he could see his eyes.

Jinyoung doesn’t know what to say after that so he doesn’t say anything just taking another drink. The beer was getting warm which was increasing the grossness factor by about a thousand. He didn’t have anywhere to put it though and it was good for the awkward moments so he kept on drinking it. 

“Did you come to the party with anyone?” He asks eventually. Jackson was being uncharacteristically quiet from what he knew and it was unnerving.

“My friend told me about it, but he’s busy as well. I don’t really mind though. I don’t really care for parties anymore anyway.”

“Why?” Jinyoung asked automatically. He knew Jackson would tell him. It seemed Jackson would tell him anything he asked. 

“I used to love the feeling of it. The noise, the dancing, the attention,” Jackson finally turned to look at him and Jinyoung made eye contact with him immediately hoping Jackson wouldn’t look away again if he really caught him. “Drinking was always fun and there was always someone to talk to. Interesting stories to hear. You name it and It made me happy.”

Jinyoung nodded along so that Jackson would know he was listening, but Jackson seemed so thoroughly engrossed in what he was saying he wasn’t sure if he even noticed. 

“Now it all seems kind of pointless though. None of those people really liked me. They were high and drunk and they probably didn’t remember what happened the next day and neither did I. Not clearly anyway. I don’t like doing things I can’t remember. I want things to mean something. You know?” 

Jinyoung did know. He knew the burning feeling of wanting to achieve greatness and memorability so bad he could scream. He just nodded again though.

“I can still listen to loud music and dance, but now I can do it with people who matter to me and I can make it a good memory that will last forever and ever.” He smiled and sighed like he was beyond satisfied. 

“Do you want to know what I keep imagining?” Jackson began again quickly before Jinyoung even had a chance to speak. 

“Sure,” He said it with a shrug, but he was dying to know. Jackson had him hanging on every word.

“I keep on imagining that there is this big place in the sky where all the good memories go. Hundreds and hundred of them just sitting there shiny and golden and when you die that’s where you go. You get to live in the place where you can relive the best parts of life over and over and I want more good memories than I can count.” He sat up and leaned in closer to Jinyoung his eyes shining with emotion. “I want to be good memories for other people too. I want to be able to make them happy.” 

Jinyoung could see how genuine he was being and his heart raced. He didn’t know people like this could exist. He didn’t know that story book heros could actually come into his life. He thought that people who were truly selfless didn’t really exist, yet here Jackson was sitting in front of Jinyoung looking at him like no one had ever looked at him before. It was hard to remember this was only his second time speaking to Jackson in his life. 

“Jackson, why did you come to this party today?” He asked finally his voice soft.

Completely unfazed by Jinyoung’s sudden subject changed Jackson grinned his eyes crinkling with untamed joy. 

“I just had a feeling.” 

Jinyoung forgot how to breathe, but only for a moment before he sat his almost empty beer on the ground. 

“Do you wanna get out of here?” He asked it suddenly. He didn’t want to be around here anymore. He didn’t care where they went as long as Jackson would go with him, but he needed to go.

“Won’t your roommate be worried if you leave?” Jackson asked concerned seeming a little off put by his question.

“Probably not. I’ll text him and tell him i'll be home later safe and sound.” 

“Well, then let's go!” Jackson cried out standing up from his seat and extending his hand out for Jinyoung to take. Jinyoung hesitated, but only for a moment before grasping his hand tight letting Jackson guide him around the house and down to where his car was parked at the end of the street.

He didn’t know where Jackson was taking him, but he seemed to be driving with some kind of purpose which was good enough for Jinyoung. He didn’t really care where they ended up either way the car ride alone being a fun experience for him.

Jackson had insisted he turned the radio on which he obliged to easily and every song that came on seemed like Jackson’s favorite song. He got ridiculously excited and demanded that Jinyoung turn it up and he sang along loudly even though he didn’t really know any of the words. 

Jinyoung did take note of the fact that Jacksons English was pretty amazing though, better than his Korean, which was honestly really good as well.

When Jackson finally pulled into a parking lot Jinyoung looked around confused. 

“What are we doing here?”

“Eating at my favorite restaurant.” Jackson proclaimed proudly. “It has traditional chinese food almost as good as my mom’s and it’s open late.” He winked at Jinyoung making them both laugh and even though the building was small and slightly dodgy looking Jinyoung followed Jackson inside without another question.

The place was practically deserted, but the smell hit Jinyoung immediately. His mouth watered at the smell of chinese cooking and he followed Jackson back to a table in the corner sliding across from him in the booth.

The whole place was small. He could tell from the outside it would be this way, but unlike its outward appearance the restaurant was very clean inside. All the wooden tables gleamed in the low swinging lights. Everywhere you looked there were traditional chinese decorations the colors red and black everywhere you looked. 

It was small, but it was welled loved by its owners. It made Jinyoung smile and when a waiter came over to get their drink order and Jackson conversed with him in mandarin Jinyoung had to hide a grin behind his hand. 

After the man had left to get them two glasses of water and a pot of tea Jinyoung raised his eyebrows at Jackson curiously.

“Just how many languages do you speak Mr. Wang?”

“Ummm,” Jackson's face contorted into one of serious contemplation which made Jinyoung laugh loudly. “5 I think...6 if you count french, but I barely know that at all. Not that i’m really good at speaking any of them.”

Jinyoung looked at him amazed reaching over to smack his shoulder gently. It took him over a year to be able to touch Jaebum so casually, but he had forgotten himself in the heat of the conversation. 

“That’s a big lie. You are very good at speaking Korean and I heard your English in the car. You are good at speaking both!”

For once it was Jackson’s cheeks that turned a rosy shade of red. JInyoung wished he could take a picture, but that would be too obvious.

“Ah, don’t flatter me so much,” Jackson whined. “You’ll inflate my ego too much.” 

“Sure,” Jinyoung said rolling his eyes quieting down as the waiter came back slipping their drinks onto the table. He asked in Korean what they would like to order and Jinyoung looked down at the menu for the first time taken way too off guard by such an expected question. Jackson was just too distracting.

Before he had too much time to browse though Jackson spoke again. “Can I just order for both us?”

Jinyoung looked up to see a hopeful and smiling Jackson, and even though Jackson couldn’t possible know what he likes he nodded anyway forgetting to hide his grin as Jackson went off in mandarin again. 

After the waiter left with their order Jinyoung peeled the wrapper off of his straw and stuck it down into his drink taking a nice long sip of something refreshing opposed to warm beer taking another opportunity to look around the room. When his eyes landed on a nearby generic calendar listing all the chinese Zodiacs his eyes lit up and he pointed it out. 

“Look!” Jackson who had been gingerly tying his straw wrapper in knots looked up to see what he was talking about and he giggled when he saw it.

“You don’t believe in fate, but you like the zodiac?”

“Everyone likes the zodiac even if they don’t believe in it.” Jinyoung said like that was an obvious fact rolling his eyes playfully at Jackson.

“Oh of course, I’m sorry your highness.” Jackson said bowing his head sending them both into another fit of laughter. 

“What are you anyway?” Jackson asked curiously motioning towards the calendar when Jinyoung flashed him a confused look.

“I was born in the year of the dog,” Jinyoung said casually jumping when Jackson squealed.

“Me too! I was born in the year of the dog as well. We are both dogs!” He cried out like it was the most exciting thing he had ever heard.

“Jackson shh,” Jinyoung whispered still laughing even though they were the only people there other than the workers. Jackson didn’t listen to him anyway practically bouncing in his seat.

“Two dogs! Two dogs at the very top of the world.” He propped his head up on his elbows staring at Jinyoung was the most serious expression before exploding into movement once again reaching out to grab Jinyoung’s arm. 

“Wang-Gae and Park-Gae.” He laughed loudly like it was something ingenious and Jinyoung turned pink shaking his head at jacksons antics.

“Say it, Jinyoung.”

“No” He replied immediately shaking his head snorting when Jackson stomped his foot on the ground like a fussy toddler.

“C’mon just say it.”

“No.”

“Just this one time?”

“I said no.”

“Please!”

“No!”

“Wang-Gae!” Jackson shouted gesturing at himself before jabbing his finger at Jinyoung’s chest. 

Jinyoung was gasping for breath at this point having dissolved into laughter. It was so ridiculous, and both of them knew it, yet here they were. 

“Jackson, stop I can’t breathe!”

“Say it.” Jackson whined pouting at him ending any further argument. Seeming to know he had won Jackson pointed to himself again. “Wang-Gae.”

“Park-Gae,” Jinyoung replied. He felt stupid when he said it, but Jackson's smile was completely worth it.

After another few minutes the waiter came back with a large tray of food. Jinyoung’s stared at it in awe having no idea Jackson had ordered so much. He didn’t know how they could possibly eat all of it, but he didn’t question it just thanking the man before he left.

Jackson explained that he wanted Jinyoung to try all of his favorites before he could even demand an explanation and for the next hour Jackson made him try all kinds of things he never had before all while making Jinyoung laugh uncontrollably. He told him all kinds of stories from his childhood in Hong Kong and Jinyoung soaked it all in interested in knowing as much about Jackson as he could. 

After fighting for the ability to pay even half of the check and losing Jinyoung left the restaurant with Jackson. 

He couldn't help but feel a little depressed by it. He didn’t want the night to end, but he knew it was unreasonable to ask to stay out any later so he didn’t dare say anything. He just got into the passenger seat.

As Jackson climbed into the drivers side Jinyoung expected him to just take off, but he simply sat there looking at Jinyoung. His gaze made Jinyoung feel nervous and for a moment he thought Jackson might ask to kiss him again. He kind of hoped he would.

“I had a really fun time,” Jackson said finally. “And i’m scared that fate will bring us together yet again if I let you go.”

“Then don’t,” Jinyoung said quickly flushing a dark red before trying to cover it up quickly not wanting to give Jackson a chance to tease him. “Just give me your phone.”

Jackson nodded happily fishing his cell out of his pocket and holding it out to Jinyoung. 

There was no password so it was easy for Jinyoung to open it up to the contacts and add his name and number. When it was done he gave the phone back.  
He didn’t ask for Jackson’s number in return because he knew he wouldn’t need it. Jackson would text him and he was confident of that fact.

Later that night as he lay in bed alone, Jaebum nowhere to be found, he wasn’t disappointed by a message coming in from Jackson.

I changed your name in my phone to Park-Gae <3

Jinyoung sent back a frowning face, but before he went to sleep he added Jackson’s contact in as Wang-Gae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got a lot longer than I expected, but I’m not complaining. Also if you thought Wang-Gae Park-Gae was somehow not going to be in this you were very very wrong.
> 
> I’m going to try and update every Thursday, but don’t quote me on that because life gets crazy sometimes.
> 
> I hope someone enjoys this and if you did please leave me a comment down below. I love feedback :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has now been translated into Spanish! If you are interested in finding and reading this translated version it can be found under the same name on a Wattpad account under the name of defsowl.

Jinyoung didn’t know where things would go from there. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before and he wasn’t quite sure of what the etiquette was for dealing with boys you couldn’t get out of your head that you barely knew. 

He would have asked Jaebum. He debated it several times, yet the sight of Jaebum staring at his own phone with a pained expression on his face told him that Jaebum wasn’t any wiser on the issue.

He would have made fun of him for this even if it was entirely hypocritical, but he had made Jaebum do his laundry for a week for not telling him about Mark in the first place and he deemed that enough punishment. 

He couldn’t help but to ask him how the party went though. Jaebum’s red face was entirely worth it and his stuttered answer has tears rolling down Jinyoung’s face from laughter.

Just as Jinyoung started to get impatient (it had been 2 days; Jinyoung wasn’t patient) he received his answer. At around 8 o’clock he had been laying in bed slaving over a novel he had to finish by the next week when his phone started ringing. 

No one ever really called him except his mom so he didn’t even look as he accepted it and held it to his ear. 

“Hello?”

“Jinyoung!” Jackson cried happily and loudly. Jinyoung winced and turned down the volume on his phone, but didn’t mention it. He didn’t want to ruin Jackson’s good mood (if that was even possible).

“Jackson, I’m surprised you called.”

“Of course I was going to call. You would miss me too much if I didn’t and you were never going to call me first.” 

Jinyoung flushed and looked over at Jaebum who was typing away at his laptop to see if he noticed. He didn’t.

“No I wouldn’t, and if I really wanted to talk to you I would have called you. Maybe you are overestimating yourself.”

“Park Jinyoung, don’t lie! That’s not good for you.”

“I’m not lying.” Jinyoung whined his face turning even more red. He thought he was a great liar and Jackson couldn’t even see the smile on his face so his skills of perception were entirely unfair. 

“If you are seriously saying you didn’t miss me my heart will definitely be broken and I’ll probably cry, so you better be lying.”

“Prepare for a broken heart then,” Jinyoung retorted barely holding in his laughter. 

“Jinyoung don’t!” Jackson was the one whining now and Jinyoung could practically envision his pouty expression. 

“Whatever, just don’t take so long to call me next time jerk.”

Jackson let out obnoxious laughter and Jinyoung rolled his eyes unable to hide his grin as he sat his book down. He rolled over so he was facing the wall just Incase Jaebum got nosy. 

He stayed like that for a long time mostly just listening to Jackson talk. His friends had apparently gotten a dog for their apartment and named it Coco. Jackson spammed his phone with multitude of pictures of her and some boy named Youngjae who Jackson /loved/. He went on and on about the boy and Jinyoung still didn’t really know who he was, but he didn’t have the heart to interrupt him and ask.

Jackson talked about himself as well. He told Jinyoung about the disgusting sounding green juice he had found at the grocery store that he was in love with. He was apparently a health food addict and while Jinyoung didn’t share the sentiment, and he told Jackson this, he still told Jinyoung he was bringing him green tea the next time they saw each other and lectured Jinyoung on not drinking enough water.

Jackson also apparently fenced in high school. He listed off trophies and championships and sent pictures that Jinyoung had actually asked for this time. Not that he actually minded all the pictures of the dog.

Pictures of Jackson in high school had Jinyoung to the point of cry laughing again and Jackson’s angry exclamations on the other side of the phone didn’t help him stop either. It wasn’t Jinyoung’s fault Jackson’s haircut was hilarious. 

Jackson got over it when Jinyoung accidentally admitted he was still cute, but Jinyoung didn’t recover from the embarrassment until Jackson launched into his childhood story about peeking at people in the gym shower as a child. 

Both of them had laughed at that story: Jackson’s imitation of his mom’s a scolding being way too much for either of them to handle. Jinyoung did feel a little queasy when he mentioned how bad he had cut his face when he fell trying to get away though. Jackson must have known because he swore he didn’t even have a scar. He promised he would show him the next time they were together. 

Jackson tried to turn the conversation on Jinyoung then and no matter how many times he told him he has absolutely nothing interesting to say Jackson whined and insisted until Jinyoung finally relented. 

He told Jackson about the novel he was reading answering every question Jackson had about it even if the book wasn’t worth that much effort. He told Jackson about the classes he was taking and when he tried to ask Jackson back Jackson yelled at him for trying to change the subject again. 

Jinyoung couldn't help but pout because he was genuinely curious as to what someone like Jackson was going to school for, but Jackson could not be swayed promising to tell him later if he told an embarrassing story.

Apparently he was feeling called out even though Jinyoung had never asked him to share anything embarrassing in the first place.

Finally, after arguing for around 20 minutes, Jinyoung launched into his story about play tryouts in his sophomore year of Highschool. When Jinyoung had told him /in confidence/ that he had fallen off of the stage while reciting his lines in front of the teacher Jackson didn’t stop laughing until Jinyoung threatened to hang up the phone.

Jackson still insisted after he stopped laughing that Jinyoung would have to show him how he even did that and Jinyoung did hang up the phone laughing when Jackson called back a minute later infuriated. 

After that the conversation settled down again. Jackson started talking about one of his own assignments for school and Jinyoung listened to him go on and on a smile on his face. He could listen to Jackson talk forever. 

Jinyoung closed his eyes after a while just listening to the ups and downs in his tone becoming more and more relaxed.

“Are you sleepy?”

Jackson’s voice suddenly broke through the fog of thoughts and Jinyoung realized, embarrassed, that Jackson had stopped talking and he hadn’t even noticed. 

“No, I’m sorry.” Jinyoung lied quickly.

“You sound sleepy,” Jackson answered quickly. “It’s okay if you are. I am too. It’s getting pretty late.” 

“I won’t keep you then if you need to sleep.”

“Alright, I’ll speak to you later then.” Jackson yawned and Jinyoung yawned as well impulsively. 

“Goodnight Jackson.”

“Goodnight Jinyoung. I’ll call you again, alright?”

“Alright.” Jinyoung whispered.

For a moment both of them were silent and the only noise was their breathing. 

Then Jackson hung up. 

Jinyoung pulled his phone back from his face and stared at the screen. He didn’t know how 1 in the morning had approached so fast, but he found he didn’t even mind. It was time well spent anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jackson kept his promise. Almost every night Jinyoung heard from him. Most of the time they texted on and off and that was good. Jinyoung enjoyed hearing from him.

His favorite times were when Jackson called him though. He would always start the call in the early evening and they would away talk late into the night. Jaebum had started to complain about the noise, but Jinyoung refused to stop it. When he was talking to Jackson it was like nothing else in the world mattered. All the stress of his day was gone and he could just laugh along with him until his sides ached.

Things stayed that way until Jackson threw another curveball into their routine.

“Can I come over?”

He had called exceptionally early that day. It was only around 4 and Jinyoung had a feeling something was up when he answered the phone, but he didn’t expect this.

“You really want to?” Jinyoung asked nervously.

“If you don’t mind,” Jackson’s voice was tight. Jinyoung had never heard it sound that way before and immediately he started to worry.

“Is something wrong?”

“What? No I’m Alright.” Jackson didn’t sound very convincing and Jinyoung stood up from his desk chair pacing back and forth in the small space between he and Jaebum’s beds.

“Are you sure? You can tell me if something happened,”

Jackson let out a quiet sigh sounding defeated and Jinyoung bit his lip hard. He had never experienced this with Jackson before and he hated it.

“I just got into an argument with one of my friends. It’s really no big deal.” He paused and cleared his throat before speaking again. “I just wanted to see you. I know it would make me feel better.”

Jinyoung released his lip from his teeth ignoring the disgusting metallic taste in his mouth left from biting a little bit too hard.

“You can come over. You remember where my dorm is right?”

“Yeah, i’ll see you soon!” 

As soon as Jackson hung up Jinyoung started a cleaning spree. Jackson wasn’t the type to care, but Jinyoung was the type to care too much, and he frantically rushed around to get all the dirty laundry in the hamper and his books all put away in an orderly fashion.

All the while he couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened with Jackson.

He didn’t really know much about his friends.

He had heard a few names, but he struggled to remember them. Jackson had a habit of leaving important information out of his stories and by the time Jinyoung had a chance to ask the ridiculous nature of what the other boy had told him usually distracted him completely.

So really he had no idea who the argument was with and what about and it bothered him. If something bothered Jackson enough to make him act this way Jinyoung could only imagine how bad it was since nothing had hardly seemed to faze him. 

After about 15 minutes Jinyoung’s phone rang again he he had to stop trying to make his desk look organized to pick it up.

Jackson informed him he was outside and Jinyoung told him he would be right out.

Ignoring the nervous flutters in his stomach Jinyoung slipped on some shoes and hurried down not wanting to keep Jackson waiting.

Jackson didn’t look any different.

Jinyoung studied his face carefully as soon as he met him right at the door. He was still grinning his eyes crinkling with genuine joy that always made Jinyoung smile as well. 

He kept checking for inconsistencies as well as he lead him up the stairs and to his floor, yet Jackson just rambled and on about the dog he had seen on his ride over and Jinyoung could still find no difference.

It frustrated him that he couldn’t see any subtle chances especially since he prided himself on being able to read people very well.

When he opened the room to the dorm he heard Jackson gasp. 

“It’s so cute in here!” Jinyoung looked around at the small room with his eyebrows raised and then back at Jackson confused. He didn’t see how the cramped and under decorated room could be anything close to cute.

“If you say so,” Jinyoung shut the door and moved to sit on the edge of the bed watching Jackson curiously peek around the room like it was his first time seeing a dorm room in his life.

“I like it. It’s comfy,” Jackson asserted staring at some poster beside Jaebum’s bed intently. “Where’s Jaebum?” 

“He’s out with a friend,” Jinyoung answered truthfully unable to stop his smirk. Jaebum didn’t tell him who, but judging by the extra effort he had put into his outfit and hair Jinyoung had a suspicion that it was Mark.

“Ah, I really want to have a conversation with him.” Jackson sighed and sat down beside Jinyoung on the bed being careful to leave a sliver of space between them.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll have time to speak to him eventually. He really wants to meet you anyway.”

Jinyoung looked down at his lap again stiffening when Jackson hand rested on top of his own. 

“Is something wrong?” Jackson questioned. He sounded genuinely concerned and Jinyoung looked up and into his eyes still unable to shake the feeling of disappointment in himself.

“Was the fight you had with your friend really bad? Are you really okay?” 

Jackson looked taken aback. His mouth opened and closed before he really began to speak.

“It wasn’t good I’ll say that, but it’s not... it’s not important. My friend just thinks he knows what’s best for me all the time when he really doesn’t.” He made Jinyoung hand move twisting it gently so he could hold it and Jinyoung let him.

“What happened?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Jinyoung,” Jackson said closing himself off to Jinyoung for what seemed like the first time ever. “It’s not big deal though, I swear. I just don’t feel like being a bummer when I’m here. I came here to spend time with you not be upset and complain.”

Jinyoung didn’t say anything just giving Jackson a forlorn look. He knew it wasn’t exactly fair especially considering the fact that he was by far way more private about things than Jackson was, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t like not being let in.

“Jinyoung, don’t make that face,” Jackson scolded. Jinyoung could see real guilt in his face and he sighed.

“Lets just have some fun, okay?” Jackson tried again seeming a little desperate as he gave Jinyoung’s hand a little squeeze.

Jinyoung barely knew him really. He didn’t have the right to push even if he wanted to.

“I don’t really have anything here to do unless you want to do my homework,” Jinyoung joked half-heartedly. He really tried to move on the best that he could.

“We don’t need anything to do. We can just lay here,” Jackson said confidently scooting back and flopping down on Jinyoungs tiny bed.

Jinyoung looked down at him a little surprised, but after a moment he just sighed and laid down as well letting Jackson latch onto him. He was getting tired of fighting when it was becoming more and more clear to him he would always give into Jackson anyway.

Jackson’s hair tickled as he snuggled his face against Jinyoung’s neck and his hands were like ice cubes even through his shirt as he wrapped his arms around him, but Jinyoung didn’t say a word as he wrapped his arms back around Jackson.

They talked mindlessly like that for hours. Jinyoung slowly got over Jackson’s secret getting lost once again in his magic stories and pretty eyes.

It didn’t matter that time was passing by and the sky was getting darker and darker because they were lost in their own world. 

They stayed that way until the door swung open.

Jinyoung looked up wide eyed as Jaebum entered with Mark in tow both laughing.

Jackson lifted himself up with his elbow so he could see, probably excited to see Jaebum, but when he spotted the two boys he went stiff against him.

It took Jaebum a moment to notice them and as soon as he did he smirked smugly.  
“Am I interrupting something?” 

Jinyoung was only half listening watching Marks expression harden. 

“No, we were just talking,” Jinyoung forced his eyes away from Mark and back to Jaebum feeling apprehensive and protective as Jackson lowered himself down again like he was trying to hide.

Jaebum finally seemed to pick up on the tense atmosphere and he looked back at Mark confused who was still eyeing up Jackson in a way that was really starting to make Jinyoung angry. 

“I was just about to leave anyway.” Jackson said after a moment of silence sitting up. His expression was stony. Jinyoung had never seen it like that before and he sat up as well grabbing Jackson’s arm.

“You don’t have to leave,” Jaebum said quickly obviously taking personal responsibility for whatever was happening even though It was in no way his fault.

“It’s alright, I was supposed to go see my mom a while ago anyway. I lost track of time and I’m sure she will be worried.” 

He stood up and Jinyoung followed him desperately. 

“I’ll walk you out then,” Jinyoung rushed to say. He didn’t want to leave Jackson alone. Not like this.

Jackson smiled at Jaebum as he moved passed him to get his shoes but he wouldn’t even look at Mark.

Mark wasn’t having it though and as Jackson passed he reached out and grabbed Jackson’s wrist stopping him. Jinyoung had the urge to lunge at him, but he held himself back.

“Jackson, don’t be like this please,” While Jinyoung thought his expression had been angry his voice just sounded broken and he watched with a pounding heart as Jackson turned to look back at him. 

“We can talk about it later, okay? Not now just... just have fun.” He moved his arm out of Marks grip and slipped on his sneakers quickly before opening the door. Jinyoung ignored Jaebum’s distressed look before scrambling to put on his own shoes following after him.

“Jackson!” The other boy was halfway down the hall already and Jinyoung ran to catch up with him.

“Jackson, what’s going on?”

“So that’s who he’s been talking to,” Jackson said softly and cryptically staring down at the carpet. “All this time they have been together and we never figured out who they were.”

He laughed hollowly and look up his eyes red like he was about to cry.

“What are you talking about? Jackson, please help me understand this.” 

“Our best friends are hooking up and we didn’t even know. Isn’t that so funny? A crazy confidence.” 

He laughed again running his hands through this hair and Jinyoung had enough.

“Jackson, stop! Stop pretending like you’re okay and tell me what’s wrong.” He pleaded with Jackson who messed with the hem of his T-shirt nervously.

“Mark is who I had a fight with this morning.”

“Why? Why is he upset with you?” 

“Jinyoung, I really don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be upset around you.” Jackson said his voice practically a whine as he started down the steps.

Jinyoung followed after him determined his cheeks red with indignation. 

“You’re already upset so why not just tell me? Confide in me.” Jackson pushed open the front door of the building and he didn’t stop until he was by what Jinyoung assumed to be his own car.

Jackson’s face was red as well now and Jinyoung could tell he was very close to crying.

“Its really nothing. I’m sure we will talk it out as soon as he is done with Jaebum.”

“Jackson,” 

“Mark and I have known each other so long that little fights are inevitable, but we always work it out so don’t worry so much, alright?”

“Jackson,” Jinyoung repeated his tone becoming more serious bordering on angry. 

“My Mom really is expecting me. I should have called her, but I forgot. She’s going to really chew my ear off when I finally give her a call back, I swear.” 

“Jackson,” he snapped because he could see the tears welling up in Jackson’s eyes. Jackson looked surprised at his tone, but instead of answering him he just moved forward and wrapped his arms around Jinyoung pressing his face into his neck.

“Don’t be mad,” he said it in a whisper. “Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.”

Jinyoung wanted to be mad. He wanted to be offended and he wanted to demand answers because he was impatient and nosy and not equipped to deal with situations like these.

He held Jackson back though taking deep breaths as he felt Jackson shake in his arms. 

“I’m not mad. I’m sorry. Don’t be upset, Jackson.” He rubbed his hands up and down Jackson back hoping to be comforting. 

After a few minutes Jackson pulled back and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands before pulling open the door to his car.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay.” He sniffled and slipped down into the drivers seat.

“You promise?” Jinyoung felt like a child, but he was worried about Jackson and he would continue to until he knew everything was really okay.

“I promise.” Jackson assured before shutting the door carefully and starting the car.

With one more wave Jackson was off and Jinyoung made his way back towards his room feeling defeated.

When he got back Mark and Jaebum weren’t even there so he ungracefully fell on top of his bed pulling out his phone even though he knew it would be a little while before he got a message. 

It took 3 hours to be exact and he was half asleep by the time his phone vibrated in his hand 

 

Mark was mad because he didn’t want me to keep seeing you.

Jinyoung sucked in a shaky breath typing his answer slowly.

Why?

For the first time ever Jinyoung sat up waiting for an answer from Jackson that never came.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jinyoung had been upset. He didn’t sleep that night, and most of his time was spent waiting for Jackson to answer even though after about 3 he was positive that he wasn’t going to get one back.

The next day he felt miserable as well and Jaebum’s constant questioning didn’t help.

No he didn’t know they were friends before this.

No he didn’t know what was going on.

No he didn’t know why Mark wouldn’t tell Jaebum anything.

Jaebum finally stopped after Jinyoung snapped and he left him alone to pout.

At around noon while Jinyoung we angrily reviewing flash cards for a test his phone vibrated again.

He’s overprotective. Don’t mind him we talked it out and he understands now. I’m sorry for taking so long to answer you though. 

Jinyoung laughed as he read the message feeling the urge to rip out his own hair.

Jerk.

Immediately after he sent it the typing bubble popped back up on Jackson’s side.

Don’t be mad :( I’m sorry. I was really tired.

You better make this up to me.

You name it and I’ll do it.

Jinyoung thought about it for a moment thinking of something practical he could actually ask Jackson to do for him. 

After a few minutes he finally decided on something.

Come over again tonight. 

Jinyoung stared as the typing bubble showed up, disappeared, and then came back again.

Anything for you. I’ll see you tonight.

Jinyoung made popcorn and dug out his entire movie collection for that night and when Jackson came over and snuggled in right beside him like it was the most natural thing to do Jinyoung couldn’t bare to move away even when Jaebum came home and sat on his other side to watch the movie as well.

Jackson pulled him into some conversation because Jaebum’s social awkwardness was apparently completely conquered by Jackson’s ungodly brightness. It completely drowned out the movie, but Jinyoung couldn’t bring himself to care about it just laying his head on Jackson’s shoulder feeling the vibrations of his loud laughter all throughout his chest.

Eventually he fell asleep against him content to have Jackson beside him.

Even though it was against dorm policy to have someone stay overnight without getting permission first and Jinyoung was a stickler for the rules when Jackson woke him up trying to get out of the bed Jinyoung begged him to stay.

Jaebum was back on his own bed watching with an amused smile, but Jinyoung paid him no mind. 

Jackson stopped to think for a moment and to Jinyoung it felt like in eternity, but ultimately he decided he wanted to stay, and he crashed back into the bed making Jinyoung laugh loudly in his delirious sleepy haze.

That night spent sleeping in Jackson’s arms more than made up for his sleepless night the day before.

~~~~~~

Jackson became a regular guest at Jinyoung’s dorm. They called each other almost every night and at least once a week sometimes more Jackson would drive over and spend hours with Jinyoung. 

Sometimes they would study together, sometimes they would watch movies, and sometimes they would even go out and take walks although those times were few and far between.

A majority of the time was just spent on Jinyoung’s bed though. That was both their favorite activity even though they had never specified that. 

Jinyoung loved laying his head on Jackson’s chest feeling the vibrato of his deep voice resonate. He also loved hearing Jackson’s steady heart beat wondering if his own heart was beating in the same time. He felt like it must be.

Once or twice Jinyoung had asked if he could visit Jackson’s dorm. He had finally learned that Jackson attended another rival university across town. Jackson always said he would rather come to Jinyoung’s in response.

Jackson promised him he could come and see where he lived sometime, and that was enough to make Jinyoung give it up.

At his dorm they fell into a sort of routine anyway and Jinyoung liked routines. They were comfortable and put him at ease no matter how ridiculous they were and with Jackson things always seemed to start out in a ridiculous way.

The other boy was always cold.

It was a fact of life they both came to terms with. No matter how long Jinyoung held them Jackson’s hands stayed frozen and even if the weather was nice Jackson complained of being chilly. 

Jinyoung teased him about this endlessly, but he did put extra blankets on his bed and always rubbed Jackson’s arms when he laid down with him to try and get his blood flowing.

It was so weird that such a warm person was so cold, but in a way it was cute and Jinyoung never really minded even if teasing Jackson about his was one of his favorite things to do.

One day after they had spent about an hour talking about a new movie that was coming out that Jackson wanted to take Jinyoung to see, Jackson randomly got up from the bed.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asked confused his eyes wide as Jackson stormed off to his closet ripping it open. 

“I can’t take it anymore.” Jackson demanded loudly pulling one of Jinyoungs hoodies off of a hanger. “It’s freezing!”

“You were under a blanket and with me!” Jinyoung argued laughing as Jackson pulled on the hoodie. Jackson was more muscular than Jinyoung, but he was a little shorter as well and the hoodie that was a little long on Jinyoung went well passed Jackson’s hands and spilled down his thighs. 

“Well now I’ll have all those things /and/ your hoodie.” Jackson said happily shamelessly pulling the hoodie up and putting it right underneath his nose. “It smells just like you. I like that.”

He said it proudly and Jinyoung flushed a dark red color. 

“Just hurry up and get back here, you weirdo,” Jinyoung replied pretending to be cross. 

“I know you like it,” Jackson answered smugly coming back over and crashing down in the bed beside him resuming his place as the little spoon. 

Jinyoung didn’t say anything because he did like it. He did flick Jackson’s arm for good measure though. He had to much sure he didn’t get too cocky. 

After that occasion Jackson stole one of his hoodies every time he came over never deviating from his plan.

Never once would be wear his own hoodie even though Jinyoung knew for a fact that he had tons of them, but he would never wear them home either.

Throughout the entire time they were seeing each other Jackson only ever took one hoodie and it was only because Jinyoung asked him too. 

Jinyoung wouldn’t admit it, but the idea of Jackson having something of his to wear when he wasn’t with him was extremely appealing.

For once Jackson didn’t tease him about it.

And they were both happy.

With all this time spent together though they couldn’t survive on small talk and funny stories alone.

While Jackson’s funny stories and philosophical ideas about life and death took up a big portion of their talks Jinyoung’s life quickly became a big topic as well.

Jackson would insist and insist until Jinyoung would open up. With someone as sincere as Jackson it was impossible to fight against his earnest curiosity.

His constant concern would end up with Jinyoung revealing more to him than he ever had to anyone else in the world.

One day they had taken a walk to a nearby convenient store together because Jackson was craving the packaged ice cream you could buy from the coolers and Jinyoung didn’t know how to deny him anything. 

They were sitting on stools side by side in by the giant window that made up the front of the store. Jinyoung was devouring his ice cream happily stealing glances at Jackson every once in a while as he slowly worked on his own.

After eating in silence for a couple of minutes Jackson started fidgeting. Jinyoung knew he tended to get antsy in times of silence and if it wasn’t so funny he would have started a conversation himself. 

After another minute or so of squirming Jackson finally couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jinyoung, what do you want to be when you grow up?” 

Jinyoung looked away from his cone in surprise.

“What kind of question is that?” He despised that question and he always had.

“A perfectly valid one,” Jackson retorted in a tone of voice that let Jinyoung know this couldn’t be avoided. That didn’t mean Jinyoung couldn’t try though. 

“Well what did you want to be?” 

“I asked you first,”

“I’ll only answer you if you tell me first,” Jinyoung said licking his cone after ignoring Jackson obvious and over exaggerated eye roll.

“An inspiration.” Jackson answered confidently. 

“That’s not a career,” Jinyoung argued glaring at Jackson. 

“Well, that’s what I want to be when I grow up. Take it or leave it.”

“I’m leaving it.”

“Jinyoung-“

“Plus we already are grown up. It would be more correct to ask what I want to do after college,”

“Jinyoung, stop it. I tell you practically everything and I’m tired of you avoiding my questions. I did what you asked of me and confided in you and now it’s time for you to return the favor.”

 

Jinyoung stared at him a little shocked that he was so passionate about the issue and sighed looking down at his ice cream sadly. He hated talking about this, but if he was going to talk about it with anyone it might as well be Jackson.

“When I was little I wanted to be my dad when I grew up. I didn’t even understand what he did for a living, but anytime anyone asked I always answered that with complete confidence until that was no longer an expected answer.”

He let out a shaky sigh and Jackson reached out to grab his hand his eyes wide and curious. Jinyoung took a deep breath before speaking again knowing Jackson was expecting him to continue. Now that he stopped he felt compelled to finish anyway. He had so many pent up thoughts on the issues that it was impossible to push them all down again.

“Everyone always told me I could be whatever I wanted. I was so bright they said. I could be a doctor, a lawyer, a CEO. Nothing was out of my reach.” Jinyoung couldn’t help but laugh bitterly.

“I never wanted any of that though. I don’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer or a CEO. I don’t want to sit in an office and stare at papers and make copy’s and have my fingers glued to a keyboard for the rest of my life.

“When I was 14 I told my dad I wanted to write books. Do you know what he told me? He told me that It wasn’t a steady job and that I would never ever succeed. I told my mom hoping she would defended me and all she said was that it would be wasting my gift of my intelligence. That’s when I learned that ‘you can be whatever you want’ really meant that I could be whatever I chose out of my fathers predetermined plan for me.

“I never mentioned writing again and I stopped doing it as well. I focused on my studies completely so I could get into a good university with a good program to move on to be a doctor or a lawyer or a CE. Now I’m here with no motivation to work towards any of those things and no passion.”

Jinyoung finished with a huff trying to pull his hand away from Jackson’s grip. Jackson wouldn’t let him though only holding him tighter his eyes shining with unshed tears that shocked Jinyoung immensely.

“Jinyoung, you can’t live like that. You can’t live to please someone else or you’ll never ever be happy.”

He sniffled and the tears started to roll down his cheeks. Jinyoung grew pale and panicky reaching out with his free hand to wipe away the tears as fast as they were coming.

“Jackson, please don’t cry. It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine! You’re not happy. I want you to be happy.” 

“I am happy!” Jinyoung said loudly turning red at his volume which had definitely attracted some stares of other patrons in the small store. He lowered his voice before he spoke again still blushing. “I’m happy when I’m with you, Jackson. That’s all I need.”

Jackson shook his head quickly his bottom lip jutting out pitifully.

“That’s not enough,”

“Why?” Jinyoung demanded. He felt embarrassed now as well as hurt. “Don’t I make you happy too?”

“Of course you do. You make me more happy than anything else in this world, Jinyoung, but you can’t let your happiness rest in one person. You have to find something in yourself that fulfills you, or you can never ever truly be happy. People will come in go in your life, but the one thing that can’t go is your own sense of self and your aspirations.”

“Are you saying you’re going to leave me?” Jinyoung asked angrily. He felt close to tears himself but he would never admit it or let himself cry in front of Jackson in a situation like this.

“No, no that’s not what I’m saying, Jinyoung. I...I just want you to be truly happy.” He deflated and sagged in his seat tossing his unfinished ice cream cone in the trash can a few feet away before turning back to Jinyoung who was reminded only now of his own cone sitting sticky and soggy in his hand. “You can ask any type of professional and they will tell you the same thing I did so don’t get mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Jinyoung said flustered getting up to throw his own cone away. “This whole topic just upsets me because I don’t know what makes me happy. So many people have pestered me about this exact thing and no matter how many nights I stay up I can’t come up with an answer.”

“Just start listing things off then,” Jackson said with a shrug like it was that simple.

“I can’t, don’t you get it?”

“Ah, Park Jinyoung, don’t be so dramatic. I’ll start for you. Writing.”

“I don’t want to be a writer,” Jinyoung answered automatically. “The more I thought about it the more I couldn’t stand the thought of having deadlines. I think I could write on the side, but I get so bored that I need something I can go to everyday that I would never lose motivation to do.”

Jackson nodded scrunching up his face in concentration as he tapped his finger on the counter. 

“Aha!” He cried out suddenly seeming excited. “That’s it! Kids!”

“What?” Jinyoung asked confused staring at Jackson incredulously as he bounced on the stool.

“Last week when we went to see that movie do you remember what happened?”

“Of course I do. It was a good movie.” 

“Not the movie you jerk!” Jackson said slapping his arm. “You can’t tell me you don’t remember the little girl who was sitting all alone outside the theater.”

Jinyoung shifted uncomfortably in his seat and nodded. 

“Well of course I remember her. I just didn’t think she was the main event of the night.”

“Could have fooled me,” Jackson replied with a barking laugh. “The way you smiled at her I have only ever seen from you once or twice and never at anyone other than me. I like to think I’m good with kids, but she took to you in an instant and you got her to admit that she didn’t know where her mom was within seconds.”

“Everyone’s like that with kids,” Jinyoung argued. “And kids are too trusting.”

“No and no. Some people scare children instantly. It’s a gift to be good with them. It requires an amount of compassion and patience a lot of people lack. You can’t tell me the fact that you stayed with her and kept her calm until we found her mom is something that isn’t special.”

“Anyone would have done the same thing.” Jinyoung tried again his voice quiet.

“No they wouldn’t have! Jinyoung, you are good with kids just admit it.”

“Jackson, you are making something out of nothing.”

“Do they make you happy?” Jackson suddenly switched tactics staring at Jinyoung with such an intensity that he didn’t dare look away.

“Jackson, lots of people like little kids,” 

“Jinyoung, look at me and tell me that you wouldn’t be happy if everyday you got to work with children. Tell me to my face that you wouldn’t feel fulfilled. I have noticed multiple times the way you act with them and that’s just from seeing brief interactions with them in public. You even gush over any you see on tv.” 

“It’s dumb Jackson. It’s another dumb dream that will never happen,” Jinyoung said upset. His hands started to tremble. He had always loved children. At one point he had seriously considered working with them. He knew his father would never approve though so he buried that idea deep down before it could grow enough to majorly disappoint him.

“None of your dreams are stupid,” Jackson said softly and seriously. “You deserve to have every single one of them come true.”

Jinyoung stayed silent looking back into his eyes. He didn’t know what to say and he didn’t think he could even say anything if he wanted to.

Jackson squeezed Jinyoung’s hand and cleared his throat before speaking again.

“You know, I happen to know that the hospital is in currently I’m desperate need of someone to volunteer and read to the kids.”

“And how do you know that?” Jinyoung asked trying to clear all the emotion from his voice. He knew exactly what Jackson was doing, and the voice in his head told him it was stupid.

You could do so much better it said.

You are ridiculous for craving such a thing it screamed.

He would much rather listen to Jackson than that voice though and just for once it would be nice to believe like he did when he was young that he could be /whatever/ he wanted ignoring the expectations of everyone else in his life.

“I know a lot of things. Just like I know you would probably love to read to them. Doctor Seuss is a lot more fun than college text books to read I promise.

Jinyoung stared for a moment before a smile spread across his lips.

The next week Jackson picked him up and drove him to the hospital to read to the kids. They all greeted Jackson enthusiastically like he was an old friend and Jinyoung watched with fascination as he spoke with them animatedly. 

Of course Jackson had come to read to sick children in the hospital before. He really was the perfect person and Jinyoung couldn’t stop being amazed by him.

Despite being an outsider during their entrance quickly Jinyoung was introduced and asked a thousand questions.

He hasn’t expected such things from the children. He imagined they would all be sad and quiet, but they were none of those things. The kids were beautiful and bright in an indescribable way that made you feel more alive than anything.

Once he got passed the medical equipment and the hospital smell it was easy to forget that those children were fighting hard every moment just to stay alive. 

He read to them and joked with them. He bonding with them having a great time, and he hadn’t felt happier in weeks. 

At the end, when a young girl who couldn’t be older than six called him uncle and hugged his legs as he was heading towards the door he almost choked up.

When her father thanked him outside the door for his work he did cry. He told Jinyoung that his daughter loved to be read to and when she heard someone new was coming in she couldn’t stop talking about it for days. Jinyoung had held it in the entire walk to the car, but as soon as he got there he burst into tears. Jackson was in the car with him to rub his back as he sobbed though, and In true Jackson fashion he never mentioned it again. All he did was pick Jinyoung up at the same time the next week to take him in again.

Just like that another thing was added to their routine and Jinyoung grew more and more happy. He couldn’t remember a time when he looked forward to the next day with such intensity because every day was good enough to be excited for.

Jackson had worked his way into Jinyoung’s life utterly and completely which is why Jinyoung had never been more destroyed than when Jackson suddenly left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, of course after I say I’m going to start uploading on Thursdays I post late. In my defense I did get very sick Thursday night and then had a very busy weekend attending a college visit.
> 
> This chapter also ended up being super long. It’s starting to pick up the pace though so I hope that was a nice change. 
> 
> Once again thank you to any of my readers. Comments are always welcomed and appreciated :)
> 
> Also if there are any grammar and spelling mistakes please excuse them. I check this all myself and I know I probably miss a lot oops.


	4. Chapter 4

Jinyoung had a lot of pride.

Anyone who really knew him would tell you that and he wouldn’t hesitate to admit it either.

So when Jackson dropped off the face of the earth he wouldn’t allow himself to look pitiful.

After Jackson didn’t answer his text the first time he waited 3 days before he sent another.

Jackson?

He stared at it for a few minutes after he sent it waiting for Jackson’s text bubble to pop up, but it never did. Even after a week he had received absolutely nothing from the other boy that he had grown so attached to.

He knew they were nothing official. 

They had never made it clear exactly what they were and it never had occurred to Jinyoung to even ask. Jackson was with him everyday. He made him feel safe and loved in a way no one ever had before. He never said he cared about Jackson as anything more than friends, but he had just thought Jackson knew.

Jackson seemed to know everything. He could read Jinyoung so easily and even though they hadn’t kissed since the first day they met Jinyoung had been certain Jackson knew that he was becoming the center of Jinyoung’s entire world.

Jinyoung thought he knew how Jackson felt as well. He honestly believed that his kind words and his tender touches were a sure sign that he felt the same way, but if Jackson felt as strongly about him as Jinyoung felt about Jackson he would never dream of this.

He would never dream of ripping away the first sense of security, clarity, and happiness Jinyoung had in years if he really cared about him.

Jinyoung thought Jackson had been an amazing person. A person who, unlike the rest, really cared about other people’s feelings. He had been such a magical person to meet. The way he spoke to others and the way he thought. Jinyoung was convinced he was practically an angel.

Of course he had faults.

He got impatient and irrational and angry just like every person does. He handled it so well though and Jinyoung was struggling to fathom how incredibly wrong he was about him.

He didn’t cry though.

He didn’t cry when Jaebum asked why Jackson wasn’t coming around or when he accused Jinyoung of saying something to cause said absence.

He didn’t cry when he went to read in the children’s wing of the hospital. All the kids asked where Jackson was and he had to tell the truth and say he didn’t know no matter how much he wished he did.

He didn’t cry when he had to wash all the hoodies Jackson wore or when he ordered Chinese takeout and the Chinese Zodiac calendar was in the bag.

Even when he fought when Mark he didn’t let himself cry.

He had been sitting on his bed watching videos on his phone. His scheduled class had been cancelled for that evening so he had some unexpected downtime.

He didn’t even look up as the door swung open not really caring knowing Jaebum was just coming back from wherever he had went with Mark.

Then he heard the voice. That deep and soft voice he had grown so accustomed to hearing.

“Mark,” Jinyoung sat up catching both boys off guard. They were just inside the door talking low and close. Jinyoung doubted they even hadn’t even noticed he was there and that was good. 

He knew Mark had been avoiding him since Jackson had left and it infuriated him beyond belief.

“Jinyoung.” Mark already looked guilty and he cowered closer to Jaebum as Jinyoung stood. He could see his roommate getting that angry look on his face and he knew it wasn’t directed towards Mark. Jinyoung could care less.

“Where is he?”

“I already told you. He said he doesn’t know, Jinyoung,” Jaebum said it in a warning tone obviously picking up on Jinyoung’s volatile mood. 

“And I told you I don’t believe him. I wasn’t talking to you, Im Jaebum.” Jinyoung shot back never taking his eyes off of the shorter red head.

“Where is he?”

“Jinyoung, I don’t know,” Mark sounded like he was begging. Jinyoung would have felt sympathetic if he wasn’t already enraged. 

“Bull shit, if he’s mad at me and you’re lying for him I swear to god. Just tell me what’s going on with him so I can try and fix it.”

“He didn’t say anything about being mad, but I haven’t seen him since you have last.” Mark argued. Jaebum wrapped his arm protectively around his waist.

“How have you not? You said he’s your best friend for gods sake! How do you not know where your best friend is?” Jinyoung cried out pulling on his own hair anxiously. 

“I don’t know!” Mark yelled back his voice cracking. Jinyoung took a step closer feeling on the verge of something. He wasn’t exactly sure what but his entire body felt hot and if he was stretched an inch further he knew he would snap.

“Jinyoung, you need to calm down,” Jaebum said glaring at him fiercely. 

“I need to calm down? Me? Don’t you think he needs to get worked up? Don’t you think he should be more concerned that his best friend disappeared off the face of the earth? Unless he’s just heartless he knows something he isn’t saying.”

“I don’t know anything,” Mark spat his demeanor going from scared to annoyed. “I’m telling you all that I can.”

“He could be dead,” Jinyoung continued feeling hysterical. “He could be dead or kidnapped or he could hate me, but you don’t even care. No one ever cares.” Jinyoung was panting and he moved forward once again. 

Jaebum grabbed his shoulder as he moved probably to stop him from hurting Mark, but Jinyoung shrugged him off not intending to go near him at all anyway. 

He brushed quickly passed them both and ripped open the door roughly looking back at them after he walked out. “Have fun. I know you only came because you didn’t think I would be here anyway.” 

He slammed it before either of them could get anything in edgewise and hid in the communal dorm bathroom for a few hours. 

He heard Jaebum looking for him after Mark had presumably left, but he didn’t come out when he called into the bathroom. He knew who’s side Jaebum had taken and he didn’t want to talk to him. He ignored his attempts to talk to him when he finally did come back to the room and laid in bed with both earbuds in until Jaebum finally gave up and went to bed himself.

He really wanted to cry.

But he didn’t.

 

~~~~~~

He made himself do his school work. He didn’t want to, but he knew he had to and he had grown so used to trudging on even when he felt so broken inside that it didn’t really affect much.

He had made up with Jaebum eventually. No matter how badly he wanted to stay mad Jaebum’s sulking had eventually coaxed him into conversation.

He never brought Mark back to the dorm when Jinyoung was there though and Jinyoung knew that they still spent a lot of time together even if Jaebum didn’t mention it anymore.

Jinyoung was trying not to care though. He was trying not to care about anything anymore. 

After around a month he finally felt somewhat normal. He had deleted Jackson’s contact and all their messages and he had stopped hoping to receive anything.

He went to class and he let Jaebum drag him around campus to various school events and at least pretended like he cared.

He let the empty space Jackson had carved into his life gape open and bleed until it scabbed shut and he could pretend like it would someday fully heal.

~~~~~~~~

He was at the campus coffee shop again. The coffee wasn’t any better than it had been before. It was still bitter and a waste of his money, but he sipped at it anyway sitting at one of the outdoor tables taking advantage of the warm weather inspired by summer’s approach.

When his phone buzzed his pocket he pulled it out. Jaebum has been texting him on and off the entire day because he had gone home for the weekend and Jinyoung had suspected it was the other boy answering his previous text. 

Instead he was met with the sight of a notification of an unknown number and two words 

I’m sorry

He Immediately felt sick to his stomach as he stared at his phone. He felt pale and shaky and after a moment he clicked on the notification and unlocked his phone.

He knew it was Jackson. There was no one else it could be and he took a deep and breath as he typed his answer.

That’s not good enough

I know

The response was almost immediate and Jinyoung covered his mouth with his free hand feeling his eyes burn with unshed tears.

He watched the screen fighting down the oncoming breakdown that he felt coming.

Jackson’s typing bubble showed up again.

 

Please just let me see you

The bubble popped right back up

Jinyoung, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I know that’s not enough and I know I really can’t fix what I did. I know I don’t deserve it but I want to see you. I have missed you so badly.

Jinyoung locked his phone and turned off the sound shoving it in his pocket before getting up and chucking his unfinished coffee in the trash.

He set off down the street in the opposite direction of the dorm then. He needed something. Some sense of release to stop the flood of tears that had been building for far too long. 

Jackson didn’t get to just come back. He didn’t get to make Jinyoung’s heart pound and make him feel weak to his knees.

He abandoned him.

He hurt him.

He had broken down every single wall Jinyoung had and made him trust him. He betrayed him, yet Jinyoung wanted nothing more to fall into his arms and cry because he had needed him so badly.

After around 2 hours he started back to the dorm. His feet hurt and it was getting dark. The walk had done its job in calming him down enough and he felt safe enough to hide in his dorm for the rest of the weekend and figure out what he was going to do about this. 

It seemed he wouldn’t have any time at all to figure it out though.

When the front door of the dorm was finally in sight and his long walk back had finally seemed like it was coming to an end Jinyoung halted seriously considering turning around.

Leaning against the wall was Jackson. He was hugging himself apparently chilled by the evening air in only a thin T-Shirt and a pair of adidas sweatpants. 

Jinyoung knew he hadn’t seen him yet, and he knew he could keep it that way if he left now, but at the sight of him Jinyoung couldn’t turn away. His eyes were glued. 

Jackson looked so small huddled against the wall. His under eyes were dark, his face sallow, looking somehow worse than Jinyoung felt.

He hated that he wanted to hold him. 

He moved forward keeping his eyes locked on the door and Jackson in his peripheral pulling or his keycard to unlock the main door.

“Jinyoung,” Jackson said surprised. He watched the boy reach out to grab his arm out of the corner of his eyes and he ripped his arm out of his grip violently almost knocking Jackson off balance.

The other boy teetered dangerously before settling and Jinyoung could image his eyes wide and sad as he shoved the keycard into the slot.

“Jinyoung, please,” he said quickly stepping forward and grabbing Jinyoung’s arm again.

“Just get out of here,” 

“Not until you talk to me,” Jackson said firmly. “Not until you hear me out.”

“What’s to hear!” Jinyoung cried outraged spinning quickly to look directly at Jackson for the first time. “Unless your explanation is truly spectacular I don’t think anything you say will really matter. I thought you died, Jackson,” he said it harshly not missing the way Jackson winced.

“Jinyoung, I know I hurt you and I...I don’t have a good enough excuse. I never will have a good enough excuse to hurt you like this, but I did and I can’t take it back. I don’t know how to make it up to you, but god I want to. Anything you want me to do, I’ll do it to make it up to you.”

“Why did you do it? Why?” Jinyoung said frustrated. He desperately wanted an explanation. He needed to know why Jackson had thrown him away. 

“I... I can’t tell you.” Jackson answered looking crestfallen. 

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung asked pulling the card out and shoving it back his pocket having a feeling he wasn’t going to be able to get in to his room anytime soon. “How can you expect me to forgive you when I don’t even know why you did it?”

“I’m sorry,” Jackson replied looking down at the ground. “so sorry,”

“If you were really sorry you would at least have an excuse,” Jinyoung said angrily. “I let you into my life and god- I enjoyed spending time with you! I... I cared about you and obviously you don’t feel the same way about me.”

“I do!” Jackson argued raising his voice back at Jinyoung for the first time looking back up. His eyes were narrowed. “I know you are upset, but don’t try and tell me my feelings aren’t real. I know I did something bad, but I care for you a lot, Jinyoung.”

“Well, I don’t feel that way. Do you have any idea how long I spent thinking that something was wrong with me? How many nights I laid awake trying to think of what I could have done to push you away? It took me so long to get over how broken you made me feel and if you think I’m going to let you in again so you can build me up and let me back down you’re wrong.”

Jackson opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again and Jinyoung watched silently as the other boy’s eyes filled with tears that rapidly started spilling down his plump cheeks. 

“I hate that I made you feel that way-“ he let out a broken sob clutching his own chest looking right into Jinyoung’s eyes. “I hate myself so bad for making you think that you did something wrong when it’s all me. I’m selfish and despicable and I should just leave you like you want because I’m more trouble than it’s worth, but I- I can’t leave. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t put you first and leave you alone because I never felt like this before. I don’t deserve you, Jinyoung. I know it.”

His crying got progressively harder and harder his whole body shaking with the force of his sobs and Jinyoung felt his tough exterior start to crumble.

“Jackson,” he started his voice soft and frightened.

“You deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who knows how to treat you right. I shouldn’t ask you to let me stay, but Jinyoung I want to stay. I want to wear your hoodies and make you smile. I want to tell you just how much you mean to me and to the world around you and how... how important you are God I-I love you!” 

Jackson dissolved into more sobs and Jinyoung moved forward crushing him to his chest bewildered. Jackson was breathing so hard that he was afraid the other boy would just drop to the ground.

“I love you too, jerk,” Jinyoung whispered rubbing his back. “Now please just breathe. Breathe for me.” He pleaded concerned. He did love Jackson. He didn’t know when exactly initial attraction had turned into this, but he loved him and no matter how bad he had hurt him he couldn’t help that he was going to take him back. He wasn’t going to stop trying to figure this all out, but for now this was enough. He needed this. He needed Jackson.

He held Jackson as he cried for a few minutes rubbing his back until his harsh sobs were nothing more than small sniffles. 

When he finally felt like it was safe he leaned back to look at Jackson’s face cupping his cheeks with both of his hands rubbing away spare tears with his thumbs. 

“You’re not a bad person, Jackson. I don’t understand why you did it, but... I love you too. But please... please promise me that you won’t do it again. Staying away from me is not what I need. I need you here with me.” Jinyoung’s voice broke and he cleared his throat looking down into Jackson’s eyes. 

“Never, I’ll never do that to you again. I promise you, Jinyoung.” Jackson said Immediately without a hint of hesitance. He placed his large cold hands right on top of Jinyoung’s own that were still cupping his face. “Never.”

Jinyoung felt breathless and he stayed still as Jackson pulled his hands down and took a step closer pressing their foreheads together. His lips got closer and closer and when they were only an inch apart Jackson’s eyes flicked up to meet Jinyoung’s again. 

“Can I?” As be spoke his warm breath hit Jinyoung’s lips and all he could muster was a weak nod to acquiesce to his request. 

Even though it was so slight Jackson got the message and pressed his warm soft lips against Jinyoung’s. He could feel Jackson’s arms wrap around his neck and his fingers wrap around tufts of his hair holding him tight. Jinyoung let his own hands find their way to Jackson’s hips holding them gently as he kissed him back.

He knew he was vulnerable and he knew he was probably a fool for taking Jackson back just like that, but that night he couldn’t bring himself to regret it as he laid securely in Jackson’s grip finally free from the thought that he had turned the best person in his life away forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was only one day late this time yA Yeet :)))   
> Im really trying, but I’m just not good with deadlines oops.
> 
> Alsooo I’m completely restructuring how I’m writing the last couple of chapters so this is probably going to be longer than just six. Hopefully that’s exciting for some people. I know I’m excited to write more about my sweet babiessssss.
> 
> Thank you once again to all my readers and comments are always appreciated. I swear they are the highlight of my day when I receive them.


	5. Chapter 5

Jackson still had never gotten into specifics. His disappearance was a sore subject, and while Jinyoung would criticize anyone for doing the same thing, he didn’t push the issue. 

He had Jackson back and he didn’t want to lose him again. All around Jackson were caution signs and warnings, but for the first time in Jinyoung’s life he ignored the directions and pushed away the suspicion only getting closer to Jackson than ever.

To say it was exactly the same as before would be a lie, but defying logic they weren’t really negative changes. If anything the separation had only sped up their relationship. It still didn’t have a precise label. He and Jackson never did have the thought to discuss it, but it was obvious that they were together.

Everything they did, they did it together. as classes were wrapping up for the summer and finals were coming and going more and more time was freeing up and that time could all be lavished upon Jackson. Coffee, movies, dinner, Jinyoung did everything he possibly could to see the other boy and Jackson never once protested. He only showered Jinyoung in affection. 

It was new. Jinyoung would admit he didn’t have much experience. His high school years had been dull and lonely and crammed with too many extracurriculars and study sessions. There was no time for goofing off and kissing boys, but Jackson was now making sure he had more than made up for it. He had absolutely no concept of personal space or how disruptive displays of public affection could be, yet Jinyoung melted when he touched him every time. In the car, at the convenience store, in the back of the movie theater. He let Jackson kiss him senseless and he found he couldn’t care less about who may or may not be watching. 

With Jackson it was like it didn’t matter. Jackson always shouldered the weight of the atmosphere around them with ease and allowed Jinyoung some much needed time to catch his breath. He inspired him and moved him and quite frankly Jinyoung had never met anyone as attractive in his entire life. 

Every small occasion with Jackson was something momentous simply because he was there. Because he smiled or laughed any event became that of importance, and Jinyoung fell more and more in love everyday.

Maybe it was cliche. Maybe it was like one of those cheesy teen fiction books that he made fun of for repetitive and dry plots. The beauty of living a love like that though, is that you were well aware of how ridiculous it was, but you didn’t care. How could anyone else's opinions matter when you felt better than you ever have before? 

Jinyoung knew he was becoming the protagonist of some love story, but rather than rebuking it, he embraced, it milking the moment and the love for everything it was worth.

Jackson had turned him from an overly conscientious person to someone way more carefree and more importantly someone way more happy.

Jinyoung had been searching for the missing piece of his life as if it was enigma, yet he was blind to the simple solution.

Happiness was the simple key to fulfillment. No amount of success or money could bring that and Jinyoung wasn't naive enough to believe a person could fill that hole either. Jackson had taught him how to be happy, but he wasn’t the only reason he was.

He taught him to let himself enjoy the little things. He made Jinyoung understand that the little things could mean so much more if he let them. Jinyoung would talk to Jackson for hours about books he had read. He used to be such an avid reader when he was young and he forgot what it was like to pick up a novel he actually wanted to read in his free time and take his time to devour every single word becoming enraptured in another world for the night.

He forgot how much he loved to sing and dance and he forgot that making a child smile could make his heart feel so utterly full.

Jackson opened the door Jinyoung had locked a long time ago and helped him remember that it was his life to live. No one else's.

That huge favor meant more to Jinyoung than Jackson would ever know and that’s why even when Jackson said crazy things he found himself agreeing because Jackson was always right somehow no matter how crazy the words that came out of his mouth sounded.

The last day of classes had come in a flash. In a flurry of papers and tests Jinyoung had battled sleep deprivation and nervous breakdowns with healthy doses of Jackson. The feeling of relief was immense as he made his way back to the dorm and his plans were to sleep the afternoon and the remaining feelings of stress away. 

Of course he could never get what he wanted. Although it was arguable that Jackson sitting on his bed wrapped in a blanket burrito waiting for him was better than sleep anyway.

“How was your last class of the year? I see you survived.” Jackson said with a laugh his voice a bit more husky than normal. Jinyong took a guess he had fallen asleep in his bed earlier waiting and only had recently woken up, but he didn’t voice that just falling beside him throwing his arms around him.

“No more talk of class please. I forbid any mention of such things until after the break is over.” He muttered nuzzling his face against Jackson’s shoulder. 

“Fine. No more school talk then. Only fun talk.” Jackson said cheerfully. “And I have a plan.”  
Jinyoung leaned back narrowing his eyes at the other boy. The huge grin on his face only adding to his suspicion.

“Jackson Wang, what are you going on about now?” He questioned only getting more nervous when Jackson started to laugh excitedly. 

“Park Jinyoung, answer me this. What do college students do on break?” 

“I don't get where you are going with this.” Jinyoung muttered fighting back a smile when Jackson groaned over dramatically reaching out to hold onto both of his shoulders the blanket falling off his own in the process.

“Don’t be like this, Jinyoung. The answer is literally obvious.” Jackson gave him a little shake and Jinyoung laughed just looking back at him incredulously. As much as he wished that he was teasing Jackson he was really didn’t know where he was going with this.

“Jinyoung, when people have breaks they go on trips.” Jackson said sliding his hands up Jinyoung's shoulder to cup his cheeks in this hands squishing them. “I want you to go on a trip with me.”

Jinyoung sighed reached up to move Jackson’s hands so he could talk normally.

“Jackson, I really don’t have any extra money to go on a trip right now.” It’s not like he didn’t want to go somewhere with Jackson, but he really couldn’t swing it. His parents would never give him money for something like this. They were still clinging to the hope his homosexuality was a phase and he had purposely neglected to tell them he had got into a serious relationship.

Jinyoung expected Jackson to be dissapointed, but instead the other boy started laughing.

“Jinyoungie, we don’t need your money. I don’t have much on me either. We have everything we need already.” Jackson said enthusiastically freeing himself from Jinyoung’s blanket the rest of the way as he stood up. He tugged on Jinyoung to go with him to the window. Jinyoung felt his stomach churn with anxiety, but he allowed himself to be guided over going pale at what Jackson was over-excitedly pointing at.

“Isn’t it beautiful. It’s my dad's, but he told me i could steal it for a couple days for us as long as I promise not to crash it.”

“It’s… interesting.” Jinyoung replied honestly. The beat up red convertible didn’t look fit for the road. What he assumed was once cherry and glossy was now dull and scratched up. “You’re sure that’s safe to take on the road?” He asked narrowing his eyes at it jumping when Jackson pinched his side.  
“I drove it over here and I wouldn’t have invited you if it was a death trap. Do you really doubt me that much?”

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung whined avoiding Jackson as he reached out to pinch his side again. “I trust you Jackson, but a car is not the only thing we need for a trip.” Jinyoung found his attempt sweet, but really this was all just too much.

“You do if its a small trip,” Jackson corrected. “Listen Jinyoung, I thought this all out. I have some money saved up anyway and it's not like I have anything else to spend it on. We will pack a bag and take the car. We can drive to the coast stay the night at a motel or something then come back tomorrow morning all safe and sound. I have money for food and I already have a full tank. I made sure everything was taken care of.”

“Jackson I-”

“Jinyoung, don’t tell me no. I just know you are going to tell me no, but come on. Just come out with me. Have some fun with me. Please. I want to do something like this with you so bad.” Jackson moved closer and Jinyoung let him not moving an inch when Jackson wrapped his arms around Jinyoung's waist looking into Jinyoung's eyes “It will make such good memories. All I want to do is make good memories with you.”

Jinyoung looked into Jackson’s eyes and he didn’t know how he could say no to that. He didn’t know how he could deny Jackson of anything he wanted so badly and even though it was making him nervous he nodded his head anyway. “If you really have it all planned out then how can I say no?” 

Jackson cheered upon receiving his yes and wrapped Jinyoung back up in the hug that Jinyoung easily returned. At least he would be with Jackson if something did go wrong and the other boy would know what to do.

He let Jackson help him pack who insisted they go right away, but he lost his helper when Jaebum came back and Jackson got caught up speaking with him and Mark. Whatever Mark and Jackson had been fighting about before seemed to have resolved itself because they were as comfortable together as Jinyoung was with Jaebum. 

Jinyoung packed for the night and the next day throwing in an extra hoodie for Jackson who would inevitably ask for one, and as soon as he was done he pried the boy away from his conversation saying goodbye before heading out to the parking lot feeling more spontaneous than he ever had in his life.

While the car looked bad on the outside the inside was beautiful and Jinyoung could admit it. The leather interior was gorgeous and it smelled clean and fresh. Jinyoung smelled the little black tree before he saw it and he read the scent after he had chucked his bag into the back smiling warmly as Jackson adjusted the driver’s seat. 

“Do you like it? I picked it up on my way over earlier.” 

“It smells really nice,” Jinyoung assured dropping it and reclining back into the seat buckling up his seatbelt. Jackson always thought of such little details and Jinyoung couldn’t help but find it cute.

“Good. I want to give the car the best vibe as possible.” Jackson said turning to look over at Jinyoung. He stayed silent for a moment seeming to study him. It was something Jackson did a lot and it used to make Jinyoung nervous. He was so used to it now that he took the time to just look back at Jackson. He was still smiling, his brown hair falling down from where he had shoved it behind his ears. 

Jinyoung reached out to push the hair where it was supposed to go gently and Jackson caught his hand holding it tight before leaning over and pressing a kiss to his lips. 

“Seriously, thank you for coming with me. I know it's taking you out of your element, but I was really excited to do this with you.” He murmured the words only inches away from Jinyoung's lips resting his forehead against Jinyoung’s own.

“You know I can’t say no to you,” Jinyoung whispered back. “I know you’ll keep me safe and that I can trust you. It’s about time that I stop saying no to everything.”

“You’re becoming a changed man, Park Jinyoung.” Jackson said with a chuckle

“Because of you.” Jinyoung said seriously 

“Good change?” Jackson asked never breaking the eye contact.

“Good change.” Jinyoung confirmed before pressing their lips together making it a lot deeper and much less innocent than the last one. Jackson didn’t seem to mind and didn’t complain about the twenty-minute make out session delaying their departure.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jackson apparently knew what he was doing because he took off without direction seemingly very confident. Jinyoung had no idea how to get to the coast from here, but he was excited to learn as Jackson lowered the top of the car and the wind blew furiously around them.

Driving all through the afternoon had been like a dream. He liked watching the korean countryside whip by. He liked stealing kisses at stop lights. He liked watching Jackson concentrate on driving on curvy roads biting his lip as his hair blew in the wind like something out of a movie.

He liked when Jackson would turn down the music and talk to him about everything. He liked it when he told him more stories about his family back in Hong Kong and said they would love him if they got to meet him.

He liked feeling comfortable enough to tell Jackson about his childhood. He liked that he could tell Jackson that his father had always favored his sisters over him without feeling judged or being told that it was all in his head. He liked that he could tell Jackson the things he had needed to tell someone for a long time and that Jackson always listened.

He knew Jackson couldn't relate to it all. His relationship with his parents was amazing, but some things he told Jinyoung did surprise him. Like how money was tight and his father and mother were never home when he was growing up working hard just to keep them alive. 

Through the time they had spent together Jinyoung had softened more and more and everything he was hiding came to the light one by one. He felt the weight of his guilt and confusion and hatred flake away under Jackson's hands and as the sun sank behind the horizon and Jackson pulled up to the beach Jinyoung felt free.

~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was like lullaby and Jinyoung listened in peace for a few minutes before Jackson had ripped open the car door and tumbled out into the sand. 

“Let’s go!” he called out tossing his shoes back into the car rolling up his jeans laughing. “We are finally here.”

“Jackson, that water is way too cold to get in,” Jinyoung argued even though he was already untying his shoes. “We will freeze!”

“Oh come on, it will just be our feet. No harm done.” Jackson argued walking down the beach towards the ocean. Jinyoung sighed exasperatedly knowing Jackson had purposefully given him no room to argue and he quickly pulled off his shoes and peeled off his socks anxious to catch up.

The sand felt cool in between his toes as he stepped out the heat from the sun having slipped away in the darkness. He moved quickly to be beside Jackson who had stopped and stood silently at the water's edge. They stood just close enough that the ocean rushed up and chilled their feet before being dragged back in.  
“The ocean’s so massive.” Jackson mused quietly his eyes straight forward gazing into the dark and powerful black mass the ocean transformed into a night. “Sometimes I forget how many amazing things are right in front of us that we just overlook.” Jackson’s voice broke and he cleared his throat.

Jinyoung paled concerned with the change in Jacksons mood and took a step towards him reaching out for the hand closest to him laying limply at Jackson’s side. Jackson turned to look at him when he did his smile gone his lips pressed into a thin line.

“How many people everyday do you think pass the ocean without even giving it a glance? How many millions of nights do you think have passed without a single person gazing out to see the stars?”

“Jackson?” Jinyoung ventured squeezing the boys hand tightly. “What’s wrong?”

“I try so hard to look and to appreciate the beautiful things in the world. I never want to take for granted the beauty which is exactly why I couldn’t pass you by. However selfish it may be, ever since I have met you, I have laid awake thinking that you were created just for me. I couldn’t get rid of the thought that God created the most beautiful thing in the world just for me and it would be a sin not to appreciate you.” Jackson laughed humorlessly before wiping his eyes. “Yet thinking that I still hurt you.”

“Jackson, do you remember what you told me about when you found me at that party?” he asked speaking again without giving Jackson any time to even answer. “You told me about the place you imagined. You described to me how all the memories pile up all shiny and golden, remember?” He asked watching Jackson nod. “Well I know when I die you are going to make up a vast majority of my good memories. Your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. And I.... I hope that after everything I gave you a lot of good memories too.” 

Jinyoung stared at Jackson as his own tears spilled over because the past didn’t matter anymore. What Jackson had done wrong to him was completely canceled out by how he had healed him, and Jackson was crazy if he thought Jinyoung would ever regret meeting him. 

Jackson sniffled a smile tugging at the corner of his lips and in the midst of Jinyoung's crying he has started to laugh. He laughed loudly and free grabbing both of Jinyoung's hands pulling him deeper into the ocean as he laughed as well and sobbed. 

His feet and the bottom of his jeans got soaked in the ocean water. It was freezing and the wind was picking up but Jinyoung let Jackson drag him out up to his knees and hold him close as they finished crying. Then he let Jackson kick and splash soaking them both even more. Jinyoung was froze to the bone as they stumbled back to dry land and he collapsed into the soft sand with a satisfied sigh. 

He watched as Jackson laid down more carefully beside him and Jinyoung let silence settle as they both stared up at the sky.

“You can see so many more stars here.” Jinyoung said, still a little out of breath. “I'm glad they keep light pollution to a minimum. “

Jackson didn’t say a word, but Jinyoung didn’t mind just continuing to watch the stars until his eyes felt heavy and he let them close. He knew he couldn’t sleep, he and Jackson had to leave to get a room soon, but it was nice listening to the waves with closed eyes.

“We should probably leave soon, Jackson. We need to find a place before we get too tired.” He waited for Jackson’s answer and his eyebrows furrowed when he received none. He opened his eyes and turned to look and see what was going on.

Jackson was pale in the moonlight and he had the front of Jinyoung’s hoodie clenched tightly in his fist his knuckles white.

“Jackson, Jackson what’s wrong?” Jinyoung asked frantically hovering over him. Jackson met his eyes and Jinyoung could see the fear in them. He could see his terror plain as day as his own grew and he yelped as Jackson took in a sudden harsh gasp of air. Then his eyes rolled up back into his skull.

Immediately after the convulsions started. His limbs flailed and he twitched like a man possessed. Jinyoung moved on instinct to get Jackson on his side hyperventilating himself as Jackson seized. They were alone, late at night, on a beach, and Jinyoung knew absolutely nothing about seizures other than he needed to make sure Jackson didn’t choke on his own spit or swallow his tongue.

Thankfully the seizure didn’t last more than a minute, but it definitely felt longer than that to Jinyoung. As Jackson finally fell still Jinyoung felt his stomach lurch. He looked dead. He was a lifeless body strewn in the sand and Jinyoung lost the contents of his stomach in the sand before retrieving his common sense and pulling out his phone to call an ambulance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to update. My chromebook charger was broke and continuing to write everything on my phone was a very unappealing idea to me.
> 
> Things have gone down. My poor sons are sad and suffering. Do I regret anything? No. 
> 
> Thank you to any of my readers I hope this was enjoyable and if you did let me know :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Major Character death in this chapter.

Jinyoung had considered multiple things being the cause of Jackson’s absence. He had imagined Jackson being with another person. He had imagined him kissing other random boys on walks near coffee shops stealing their hoodies and making them laugh telling them stories about the grand world he had made up in his head.

He had imagined that Jackson hated him. He thought over and over again that he had something wrong and that Jackson couldn’t stand the thought of being near him. He imagined him angrily deleting his contact and telling Mark he never wanted to speak to Jinyoung again because how horrible was.

Never once had he came close to thinking of what had actually been happening, and now the things that terrified him to think would be blessings in the face of the harsh reality.

At first he had no idea what was going on. He rode in the ambulance, watching as they worked around Jackson frantically and feeling dizzy as they barreled down the highway with the sirens blaring. No one was telling him anything and he wasn’t asking because he didn’t want to be an annoyance. He didn’t want to do anything that could hinder them from helping Jackson and even when he was dumped in the waiting room without so much as a word, he didn’t fight it. 

He just slumped into an uncomfortable waiting room chair, letting his face fall in his hands. He couldn’t understand why it had happened and he didn’t know enough to even ponder it, so instead he couldn’t help but wonder if Jackson was dead. Would he ever get to speak to him again? Would he ever be able to tell him how much he needed him. Would he ever get to see him again? 

Jinyoung had never been particularly religious, but there were not atheists in foxholes. He prayed 1000 times. He wanted God to protect Jackson. He didn’t want God to take away Jackson when he had just gotten him back. He didn’t want to lose the only person he ever really loved, and if God was just, then he didn’t see why he would dare take him away.

He prayed until he felt numb and until the jumbled words in his mind weren’t even comprehensible due to repetition. 

He didn’t even know what time it was when he was finally interrupted. The relatively silent waiting room had suddenly filled with noise and he lifted his head to look, curious despite himself. He watched the older couple shuffle in. He watched as they sat across from him and he listened to the quiet rumble of their whispers. He saw the lines of worry in the man’s forehead and he took note of the dark circles beneath the woman's eyes.

He knew they looked exactly how he felt and he mindlessly watched them, too distraught to think much about being rude. Even when the woman caught his eye he stayed motionless, looking back at her. He only started to feel apprehensive when she stood suddenly.

“Jinyoung? Is that you?” His eyebrows furrowed in apprehension because he had never seen her before in his life, but he nodded, going tense as she started to cry. “Gaga has told me so much about you.”

Jinyoung stared at her feeling progressively more and more sick to his stomach by the second. Her eyes. They were Jackson’s. There was no mistaking the doe like quality and the unrestrained emotion that lived there, and his bottom lip quivered as she took a step forward reaching out to grab his hand laying in his lap despite her husband, Jackson’s father, trying to stop her.

“I have been wanting to meet you for so long, but Gaga was convinced I couldn’t keep a secret, but look where that landed us now.” She laughed- but more out of hysteria than humor- and Jinyoung just kept watching her, his eyes burning with the tears he was doing his best to fight off.

“What secret?” He asked, his voice wobbling. He had always wanted to meet Jackson’s mom. Jackson talked about both her and his dad like they were the most amazing people in the world, and even though Jinyoung was nervous, he wanted to meet the people that were close to Jackson desperately. He had always been too scared to ask though. He thought it would come with time. He thought Jackson would offer, just like he thought he would offer to take him to see his dorm once in a while or walk him around his campus.

“You don’t know?” she asked, confused, wiping his eyes with her free hand. “He didn’t tell you yet?” 

“Tell me what?” Jinyoung asked, standing up his breath quickening. “You know what’s wrong?”

She looked dumbfounded her cheeks turning pink and Jinyoung squeezed her hand still wrapped around his own like a vice with urgency. 

“I- Jackson promised he was going to tell you today. He wanted to be the one..” She trailed off and Jinyoung felt all the blood drain from his face and oppressive feeling filling his chest like she had just slammed a cinder block down on top of him.

“He didn’t tell me anything.” He insisted, well aware that he was on the verge of hyperventilating. He knew the end of this couldn’t be good. He knew whatever she had to tell him was going to change everything, but he needed to know. He needed to understand what was going on.

“Honey, Jackson,” she was cut off by a sob. He could tell she didn’t want to tell him, but he stood persistently, the back of his knees shaking. “He has cancer.”

The moments the words left her lips, he immediately wanted to tell her she was lying. Jackson couldn’t have cancer. He saw Jackson every single day and there was no way he could have cancer. Yet he couldn’t speak. He knew she wouldn’t say it if it wasn't’t true. He knew that she wished it was a lie even more than he did because Jackson was her everything since the day he was born, and Jinyoung had only the privilege of knowing him for less than a year.

He knew that Jackson always being cold and tired wasn’t a coincidence. He knew that him being too thin wasn’t just because he didn’t eat enough and his knowledge of the health benefits of that disgusting green juice were not just facts he had learned for fun. 

He sunk down into his seat when he felt like he couldn’t stand anymore, letting her hand go.

Jackson didn’t disappear for a month for fun. Obviously something had been really wrong.

Jackson didn’t come to the hospital to speak to all the children with terminal illness for fun. He had just been one for who knows how long now.

He stared down at the bleached white tiles, unblinking, until his eyes stung so badly he had to blink and unleash the moisture that had gathered his erratic breathing turning into sobs.

“He wanted to tell you.” Mrs. Wang continued softly. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “He really did.” 

Jinyoung didn’t reply, wiping at his eyes rapidly to rid himself of his tears, but they kept coming. When Jackson's mom sat beside him he didn’t move and when she pulled him into a hug guiding his face to her neck, rubbing his back methodically, he cried on her as if she was his own mother and it wasn’t his first time meeting her.

~~~~~~~

He had fallen asleep eventually, and he woke up to a hand on his shoulder. There was significantly more people in the room in that early morning and his eyes stung in the bright lights.

“Jinyoungie,” He squinted as he stared up, and he finally focused in on Jaebum. He recognized the look of fear in his eyes and he dragged himself to his feet. Both his legs were pins and needles because of the position he had fallen asleep in, and he would have fallen down if not for Jaebum reaching out to pull him to his chest. “My god, Jinyoung.” 

Jinyoung had already cried out all his tears, but Jaebum broke down and feeling him shake as he cried against him made Jinyoung’s chest ache. Jaebum never cried, yet here he was. Jinyoung took in the familiar smell of his cologne and the warmth and stability of his strong arms and he held back onto Jaebum, letting him hide his face in his shoulder until he gathered himself enough to stop crying.

When he did let go, Jinyoung he didn’t say a word. He just looked back to Mark. Jinyoung hadn’t even noticed he was there, but he hadn’t really had the chance to see anything but Jaebum from the moment he opened his eyes.

Looking back at Mark though he watched his hard exterior crumble.

“I tried so hard to protect you both. I promise that’s all I wanted.” A single tear rolled down his cheeks and he wiped it roughly, biting his lip before continuing to speak. “But he loves you so much. He loves you and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He closed his eyes, more tears streaking down his face.

Jinyoung held his breath as he watched Mark shatter in front of him and he slumped back down in his seat, feeling too lightheaded to continue to stand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jaebum took him home eventually. The doctors had made it clear that Jackson wasn’t well enough to have visitors and even though he didn’t really want to leave, he let Jaebum take him back to the dorm.

He couldn’t eat and he couldn’t sleep, but he had given Jackson’s mom his phone number and she regularly gave him updates. She was repulsively considerate, and it just made him all the more angry. She didn’t deserve this. She was such a beautiful soul, but she was stuck in this situation and Jinyoung felt so stuck. 

Jaebum was walking on eggshells and Mark wasn’t much help. Jinyoung could see how far he had fallen and he knew he was worried about losing his best friend. Jackson was one of those people you were terrified to live without.

Apparently he hadn’t had long for a while now. His doctor had known last year that it was unlikely that Jackson would live until the next, yet Jackson was defying that. He was just one of those people. He took what people said and proved them wrong by sheer force of will. All that time when he was gone, he was struggling with something similar to now. He had fought through it though. He had regained enough strength to come back. Things apparently weren’t the same this time. 

He wasn’t naive to not notice that foreboding feeling. No one would tell him the technicalities, but he could feel the collective preparation for Jackson’s end and he tried his best to follow the trend. He tried to convince himself that Jackson would finally not be in anymore pain and come to terms with the fact that there was nothing he could do, but he just couldn't. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea that Jackson would never be coming back to the dorm again. 

He couldn't stop hoping that he would get stronger and that he would eat bad chinese food with him and wear his clothes and kiss him until both of their lips were swollen. He didn’t care that his hands were always like ice on his body and he didn’t mind that he was tired a lot and just wanted to cuddle. He wanted to hear about his silly ideas and listen his funny stories and try to imagine the crazy dreams he always explained to him.

Jackson always had so many dreams and Jinyoung knew that they would never come true.

When he was finally permitted to see Jackson he didn’t know how to act. He needed to see him. Not taking the chance when he had it was out of the question. He just didn’t know how to act. He was scared to see Jackson so sick and he was scared to make it all worse. 

Jaebum had tried to give him a little pep talk before he left. He knew Mark was leaning heavily on him and he knew Jaebum was doing his best not to crack under that pressure so he appreciated it, but it fell deaf on his ears. Nothing anyone could say would prepare him for seeing Jackson again, and he still felt clueless as he approached his door. 

Mrs. Wang had walked him there and before she opened the door for him she gave his shoulder a little squeeze. He gave her a small empty smile before stepping through the threshold. 

Jackson looked so small in the bed. His hospital gown hung off his body pitifully, and the tubes running through him dwarfed him. His face was gaunt and palid his eyes dark and sad. Jinyoung felt like he couldn’t breathe again. He stood, staring, a few steps into the door and at first Jackson didn’t notice him, his eyes glued to the tv mounted in the corner. 

Jackson realized after a few moments that he was there though. His eyes flicked lazily from the screen to Jinyoung and his lips upturned almost immediately into that beautiful smile.

“Jinyoungie,” His voice was the same and his eyes lit up the way they always did when he saw him, and Jinyoung couldn’t help the tears that flooded to his eyes. No one would ever look at him again the way Jackson always had and he knew that for a fact.

“Come here,” Jackson said with a sigh patting the bed next to him. Like a reluctant child Jinyoung moved forward and sat on the edge of the bed carefully letting Jackson reach out and take his hand and grip it tight.

“I wanted to tell you. I always did.” He said it quietly, and Jinyoung watched him speechlessly trying to hold back his sobs. “When I first saw you I thought you were so beautiful, Jinyoungie. I told you that. That's why I wanted to kiss you. I didn’t know how much time I had then, and I just wanted to not regret it. When I talked to you though- god, i couldn’t get you out of my head. I knew it was selfish. I knew that I was destined for this, and dragging someone else into my life would only bring both of us more pain, but I couldn’t keep myself away from you. I hate myself for it, but I fell in love with you, and I wanted nothing more than to be with you for as long as I had left.”

“Jackson,” Jinyoung choked out, crying harder when tears flooded Jackson’s eyes as well.

“Mark knew it would hurt us both. He has known about this since i was diagnosed. I understood what he meant, but I didn’t hit me until it got so bad I couldn’t get out of bed anymore. Mark told me how devastated you were, but I still wouldn’t let him to tell you. I had to be the one to tell you, and I swore that I would live to. 

“When I came back though, I couldn’t muster it. I knew you loved me then, too, and I just wanted to live that with you. I wanted to be so desperately in love with you that I couldn’t think and I didn’t want this disease looming over us every moment. I should have told you right from the start, I know i should have, so I’m sorry. I’m sorry for keeping secrets and misleading you, and I’m so sorry that I have to leave you. I don’t want to but I have to and i’m so sorry.” Jinyoung’s whole body shook with his sobs and Jackson wasn’t much better. Hearing him say it hurt so much more than saying it, and all the things he had been thinking started to fall from his lips in his agony.

“Why can’t it just be me?” He asked, pained, looking into Jackson’s eyes.

“JInyoung, don’t.” Jackson argued, his voice cracking. Jinyoung shook his head firmly in reply needing to get it out.

“You...you’re everything. You shine so bright and when you go, the world won’t be the same. So many people will be devastated and all the things you could have done for the world will never happen. I don’t offer anything. I’m bitter, and mean, and a dissapointment. If I were to go, my dad would probably just be glad to lose the son he never wanted. Maybe my mom would be sad, but she would forget in time and the world will still turn, just like it’s supposed to. I swear if I could take all your suffering, I would. I wish more than anything else in the world that I could be in that bed instead of you.”

His tears ran into his mouth, filling it with the taste of salt and he knew Jackson would be upset with him for saying it, but he meant it. 

“Park Jinyoung, my world would stop turning if you were to die and you know it.” Jackson said firmly, scolding him the way he always did when he put himself down. “You are so profoundly important to this world, just like every single human being is. So many people would miss you and you would miss the opportunity to do what you were meant to do.” He stopped himself to cough. His whole body shook and Jinyoung held his breath to prevent himself from hyperventilating, watching the pain flicker in his eyes. He didn’t dare interrupt through, and he stayed silent as Jackson started again, his voice a little more hoarse. 

“I don’t know why, but this was meant to happen. I don’t know what will come of it or why, but I have known for a long time this was going to happen and there is some bigger point. I can’t see it yet and I probably won’t live to, but I refuse to believe that there isn’t something amazing to come from this life.” He let go of Jinyoung’s hand and scooted back very slowly to the edge lifting his arm up obviously wanted Jinyoung to lay with him. He knew it was risky and he could bump one of the tubes, but he needed Jackson so he didn’t argue, laying carefully beside him avoiding all the obstacles to lay in Jackson’s arms again. Where he knew he belonged. 

He laid his head in the crook of Jackson’s neck, sniffling pitifully and letting him rub his back, trying to gather himself.

“ I promised myself when I found out that I wouldn’t waste all the time left for me.” he whispered softly, his own cries becoming softer. Jinyoung could hear the smile in his voice. “I have done everything I wanted, including falling in love. Thank you so much for being my other half.”

“I never even knew I wanted to fall in love until I met you.” Jinyoung whispered, kissing Jackson’s neck quickly and somberly. He was hurting so badly, but he didn’t blame Jackson for not telling him or for having to leave him. Jackson had filled the hole in his heart with more love than anyone could ever ask for, and no matter how bad it hurt, Jinyoung knew his effect would be lasting and he was the one who should be thankful. “Thank you for loving me Wang-Gae.” 

Jackson laughed out loud, leaning over to kiss the top of his head. “I’ll never stop. Wherever I go, I’ll love you my Park-Gae.”

Everyday, Jinyoung visited him the hospital. He told his parents he couldn’t come home to see them and why unabashedly, and he received the shock of his life when they came to see him instead.

They liked Jackson when they met him. Jinyoung would never forget the smile on his father's face when he talked to him, and he would never forget the way his mother held him in the hall after they left the room.

Everyday he laid with him and told Jackson about his day. Before Jackson had always been the one to supply the conversation, but the more days that passed the weaker he became and the more he needed Jinyoung to step up. Jinyoung obliged, telling Jackson anything he wanted to hear and he spent hours with Jackson's head tucked against his neck, telling him about his old highschool friends and all the trouble he and Jaebum used to get into.

He held Jackson when everything hurt and when he was wracked with shivers, and sometimes when no one else was there he would sing to him. He wasn’t confident in his singing ability at all, but Jackson said it helped so whenever he asked he would sing him lullabies. He knew when just his mom was there at night she sang him some in chinese. He had heard her from outside the door one night. 

One night, Jackson passed away in his sleep.

It was painless for the most part. The doctors assured them of that, but it didn’t make it any less painful for everyone else. 

And for weeks, Jinyoung dreamed of him. He dreamed of Jackson in his palace in the sky, surrounded by the beautiful memories he had made and he dreamed of the day when he would meet him up there so they could watch them together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even explain how many times I tried to write this. I can't apologize enough for the delay on its completion, but his chapter was incredibly hard for me to write. This story was exploratory for me navigating the feelings and the fear of death and I love Jackson so so much and Jinyoung so it was painful. I made myself cry and hated myself for thinking this up, but this story is like my child and I will stand by it.
> 
> feel free to comment down below and tell me what you think like always.
> 
> I will definitely make an epilogue sometime soon to add and I was also pondering an alternate ending. I know it will defeat the whole point, but if an ending in which Jackson survives is in high demand then maybe I can churn one out and pretend as if it is not self-indulgent ;)
> 
> Also a big thank you to my BB for letting me make her cry and dealing with my big sad boy feelings.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hopefully much anticipated Epilogue.

Jinyoung closed his eyes to listen.

When he listened to music in his room he closed his eyes tight and laid still. He listened to the lyrics and the beat, tapping his fingers against his bed sheets along with the rhythm to really feel it. 

When it rained at night he always closed his eyes. He could envision the droplets dripping like tears to the earth before trickling down and seeping into the ground to start the cycle again. 

When Jackson first died he listened to his voicemails as well. Jackson liked to leave them when he was busy at class and while he hadn’t paid attention at the time he realized how precious they were when he no longer had Jackson. He closed his eyes tight as he laid in bed and listened to them again and again, the tears streaming down his face.

He had lost so much it was hard to realize what he gained. Despite what Jackson said and how prepared he was jinyoung wasn’t ready yet he knew he never would be.

He couldn’t prepare for how empty he felt. He couldn’t prepare for how bad he longed and ached to touch his face or hear his voice or even have his cold hands on his bare skin.

Waking up in the morning was a chore. Coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t all just a dream over and over again and that he had to live another day in a world without Jackson in it tested his sanity and his patience.

He forced himself to go to school though. He forced himself to attend the grief counseling meetings his mom had signed him up for and he forced himself to let his mom come and visit more often to make sure he was eating and going to class. He forced himself to continue switching his major, and to eat at the places they ate together and lay on the bed where they had slept together. 

He even started talking to his dad again. He never expected he would care. He never expected that he would approve of any relationship Jinyoung had, but he came with his mom to visit sometimes and he asked Jinyoung if he was okay in that painfully awkward dad kind of way and Jinyoung knew if Jackson was there he would be happy he was giving him a chance so he did. 

The only way he could justify carrying on was Jackson. Jackson had given him so much. A sense of purpose. An optimistic outlook. The capability to love. He had been like an angel and sometimes Jinyoung wondered if that is what he actually was.

Jackson had always said Jinyoung was made by God just for him, but if anyone was a divine being Jackson came much closer to the cut than Jinyoung. He was a beautiful gift. He was the closest someone could be to being perfect and jinyoung was sure he is still looking down on him so he had to make him proud and apply what he had taught him the best he could. It was the least he could do after everything. 

So he paid attention to the little things. He enjoyed simplicity and the beauty of the sun. the moo, the water, and the sky. He lived the way he knew Jackson would've when he was here even if it was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, and he decided that if nothing else, he wanted to be as happy as he could be.

That’s why he closed his eyes. He closed his eyes to appreciate what he couldn’t see. He closed his eyes to be a visionary. He closed his eyes to touch a part of the world he often forgot and even now his eyes were closed. 

He sat at his desk his head propped up in his hands listening to the sounds of the children around him. He listened to their laughter, their whispers, their squeaks of indignation and protest. He listened to them grow and learn.

Every morning as he walked into his first grade class to all his children sitting at their desks chatting as they waited for the day to start he closed his eyes just for a few moments to listen and thank god for Jackson and his efforts to get Jinyoung to realize his dreams. 

He loved his class, he loved the children, the environment. He had never felt more fulfilled and while he wished Jackson was still here to share it with him. 

He just couldn’t let himself forget. No matter where his life took him he could never forget Jackson and he needed other people to know as well. Jackson had wanted to be remembered and Jinyoung wanted that to be possible long after he himself was gone.

So wrote everything that came to mind and with the help of Yugyeom, and art student he had met a year after Jackson had died, he had created Jackson’s dream. His legacy bound with a spine and enclosed with both Jinyoung’s and Jackson’s heart poured into the paper filled with colorful illustrations and carefully rhymed words.

My Friend Jackson: The best selling children's book of the year authored by Park Jinyoung.

For anyone who feels alone. For anyone who feels stuck. For anyone who was born into a life that they don’t want to continue living. It is meant to give them hope. It is a reassurance that life was hard and cruel and unfair, but if you find what makes you happy you can work towards it and grab it, and if you’re scared your friend Jackson is there to encourage you.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first complete Multi-chaptered work ever published.
> 
> It feels so surreal to see how far I have come from when I first started writing and while I myself am preparing to graduate High school and start majoring in early childhood education I hope that I can always find a muse for my writing no matter where life takes me.
> 
> This story will always be close to my heart and if its message can help just one person it will be worth it. Everyone needs to have some encouragement, love, and happiness and for me a big part of that has been GOT7. They inspire me so much and while they definetly aren't my sole support system I appreciate them endlessly.
> 
>  I'll get off my soap box now, but I would just like to say thank you once again for all the beautiful comments I have gotten as well as the kudos. Thank you all so much for supporting me and being such beautiful people. <3
> 
> Also if anyone is interested in reading more from me I have just started a weekly updated AU about got7 as superheros!! My friend and I have been planning this since around april of last year and have finally began to crank out the chapters. One her account she is writing BTS's version and GOT7's side will be posted here on my account. I'm not promising it won't be sad but I don't plan on it being quite as heartbreaking as this :"). 
> 
> My friends account here: @orangenseok
> 
> link to her first chapter:https://archiveofourown.org/works/17473043/chapters/41148854

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and feedback are always appreciated. :) 
> 
> I was really feeling stuck on something else I'm writing, but I really wanted to write /something/ thus this was born.  
> It's a little different than anything I have done before, but I really like what I planned for this and I hope some of you really like it as well. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)
> 
> Also the title comes from my favorite RY X song ;)
> 
> Also If anyone wants to come and yell on me twitter please do @Sterne_und_Mond 
> 
> (and if anyone is interested in an alternate ending please come follow me on twitter. I'm thinking of making a poll about it to make my decision. I will also announce anything else knew I'm writing there for anyone interested)


End file.
